entries
links
friends
hello!
archives are under 'links'
navigate on the right,
you know the usual
leave a note in the guestbook before you leave!
love,
kelly.
i want you to know that i'm in love with you
so baby come on, come on, and tell me how you feel
(i'll blog about my day tomorrow.)
that used to be one of my favorite songs in the past. oh how it spoke to me.
why are you so shy?
when you're walking right by
i get this feeling inside
by the past, i mean, a really long ago.
one of the most difficult things to think about in life is one's regret. something will happen to you, and you will do the wrong thing. and for years afterward you will wish you had done something different.
i'm afraid i'll always be haunted by it.
what if in that split moment when our eyes met and time stopped he reached out his hand and said hi.
what if we decided to chat while i happened to be outside his place.
what if he came up to me when jovy left and asked me what was wrong.
what if i approached him when he fell and sparked off a conversation?
what if. what if. what if.
will life be what it is now? will i be sitting in front of this computer harping for his return? would i actually KNOW him now, and be talking to him when he's in London? will i keep thinking of him from time to time, for the rest of my life?
no wonder they say all the first-times in life is unforgettable. whether it's your first day of work, first paycheck, first kiss, first relationship, first infatuation.
unfortunately, unless a miracle happens, i shall have to be bound to this regret for the rest of my days. maybe one day we'll meet again. in some strange corner of this world. and i will tell you my side of the story.
goodnight all.
i see you everyday when you come around my way
[i'll give up everything just to find you]
haha, i haven't regained much sanity since the last time i blogged. (: i mean what would you expect if i have just returned from doing tons of trigo questions, trying to understand and remember the double angle formula so i can do fastfast in class tomorrow. i can already remember the addition formulae, so yay. tuition was...crowded. kinda weird, there's an invisible line between david and i, that separates tristan and i from david and glen. haha. ah well. at least mdm ong won't be too bored next time.
school! was interesting but tiring. chem prac was a flop, ha. math felt really short. physics. haha mr yang is retardedly funny. while mr chia's intellectually funny. he is REALLY funny. his skepticism bears an uncanny resemblance to annalyn's. hmm. haha. but i think these two comical teachers are quite good, though i dont understand magnetism, but everything sees pretty clear. esp bio. this year i'm probably more worried about english and lit lar. ah so weird.
anyway hitched a ride from annalyn after school. came home, tried to finish my chem discussion questions. i did till page8, then i dozed off, waking up to find that CRAP I WAS LATE FOR TUITION. haha. ah welll. that nap was good, left me quite fresh for tuition, but a bit too energetic that now i doubt i'll be able to fall asleep.
acsi band concert tmr! zh's paying. shrugs, im going for the fun of it. and to support marcus and zh. such a weird day to have a concert.
okayokay you know. i wasn't talking about insincerity per se. if you talk to me cause i'm probably one of your closer friends, then it'd stay that way for as long as we want it to. but i'm just worried that if that's not your basis, then this friendship would end from time to come, and it wouldn't be fair to me cause i wouldn't know why it ended. made sense? i think so. i guess problems surfaced cause we're just too different. we're like oil and water. no doubt we can be very close, but we'll never mix. know what i mean? i guess unlike you, i grew up in an environment very exposed to guys around, so maybe basic expectations exist already. unlike me, everything you do is just so pure and from the heart. i can't promise i'm always like that, i guess. so yeahh. i dont know what i'm talking about, but i hope you do.
haha, i shall be released into the reptile room! though my journey's ending pretty soon. (:
and annalyn, you're not better than me at pool! unless i freak out when i play with you and screw up! or else i'm definitely better! or on par at least. hrmph. cause i can cut the ball when i'm not er. nervous! or freaking out. or feeling intimidated. mmhmm. haha.
haha kate! sausage turns! no walrus turns are better. ((:
i can't let you go, never let you go
[red blooded woman]
haha, i think i'm going mad. for today, at least. rucha would tell you it's terribly normal, and there's not one day that i'm sane. maybe she's right. shrugs. before you start thinking, 'ah finally, this entry sounds a tad more light-hearted', i'm sorry to inform you that you have been very mistaken. alright maybe it might be slightly lighter, you know, but that doesn't mean i'm any happier. probably an entry that might leave you quite disturbed at my sudden... perkiness. haha. funny.
haven't you heard that the more depressed you are, the more high you get.
well if you havent, i shall be the example.
ahha, come lets talk about cute phrases. have i mentioned that i crack up everytime i see daryl go "!!!111oneoneone". hahaha, i think its damn adorable! though he learnt it from his friend, i wonder how that person would've thought of something like that! haha. oh and i'm starting to think rarrrr is quite cute. so maybe i'll use it sometimes. haha.
i have been turning and turning around my house. like spinning, doing chaines, piques. rubbish things. getting dizzy is, well, good sometimes. i'm even doing the walrus turns. kate can you believe it, i'm doing it on LAND. hahaha. a very sure sign of unstability. woodbridge, anyone? in case anyone's wondering, what in the blue world are walrus turns, think 50firstdates. when the walrus does its turns. haha. doesn't help? too bad then.
ooh spending cash is a good way to relax! just yesterday i got two tops from zara, a book, and a notebook. and the ironic thing is that the notebook costs more than the book! haha. yeah that's gonna be my new diary. being a jolly person on the outside, and yet having a blog that's a total contradiction, dont you ever wonder what lies beneath the pretty striped cover of my diaries? where my true thoughts are revealed, and my true feelings are expressed? well, that's for me to know and for you to find out. muahaha. and my book! lemony snicket's second book! well i decided to get it since times didn't have my nicholas spark's book, and i was talking to tristan not too long ago bout the series of unfortunate events. plus times was having a sale, so i thought why not. and true enough, the book IS a lot better than the film. recommended. (:
ohoh! have i ever mentioned that ivan's cool. haha. i think if he reads this he'll be very confuzzled. but nevermind, i think he's cool! why? cause he writes cool songs, and publishes them on his blog. which is why you have to go read his blog! haha. and he's even cooler cause he included a song in my birthday card that is yet to come. haha sorry ivan, i'm going mad. see i'm writing this and talking to you at the same time, so yeah. phwoar.
okay i think sleep is really necessary. but prior to that, an exploration to the reptile room is required! hello annalyn! (:
i just realised that i'm the philo rep. am i? oh damn, when is the essay due?
this girl wants to rock with you
[a plead from the crying]
happy Easter everyone. (:
i was reading the testimonial annalyn wrote for me yesterday, and she said not to think that i have no friends, that my friendster account says it all. yet i thought to myself. friends? yeah sure i have plenty of acquaintances, but friends? who truly is my friend?
i'm not one who expects others to return a favour, as i have once did for them. i will gladly give unconditionally, but at the very least, i have my pride. i wanna be at the very least treated and respected for being a human being, or even better so, a friend. which leads me to a painful memory of a person whom i had to grit my teeth and lash out the words, 'you really suck at being a friend'. little did he know that having to type that was probably one of the hardest things i've had to do. i have never once told a friend anything like that. nowhere near those lines. as i typed the alphabets it felt as though there were swords piercing through me, but i know i had to continue. how would you like it if this person you once considered a rather good friend, after entering into some gracious relationship, decides to only come to you when he needs advice and his girlfriend's upset. yes, how despicable it was. it isn't even human treatment. sure, i still think of him softly from time to time, i still bother about his well-being [tho being cut off and retaliated by the most important person of his life just for the sake of retaliating i believe], but i would never wanna retain a friendship like this. no, wait a minute. it wasn't even a friendship. just a one-sided one. yup.
then i go on and think about how i've really messed up my life. honestly, if i could turn back the hands of time, one thing i wouldn't have done. to have said yes on that couch in the cold winter of china. really, if knew things would end up like this. it's probably my fault, i guess. maybe being fickle got the better of me? i dont know. actually i doubt. but everything just didn't go the way i wanted it to go. the same person became two different people. one before the trip, one after. i remembered falling for the former, however not the latter. i thought, you know maybe things won't be that bad. just give it a shot. so i did, and i guess everything collapsed. hell maybe i shouldn't have agreed, but i figured we could just carry on with our lives and be good friends. but nooo, i couldn't have been more wrong. what i need to hear now isn't that you still love me. what happened to knowing when to move on? isn't this a good time? yes. good. sometimes i wish i could cut myself away from your life. sure it would be painful for me cause i look to you as a good friend, but if thats what it takes for life to be back to normal, i'll just have to grit my teeth and go for it. but most evidently, i dont think you're for the idea. i know it isn't fair for me to ask that life goes completely back to normal, but some effort put in might help? maybe it's just me, cause everything seems so insincere to me. okay not insincere, but is the reason that you're being nice to me cause of our past? or cause i truly deserve, well, decent treatment.
sorry if this is direct, my intention is FAR from wanting to hurt you or anything near that. but please dont give me a to-the-face answer. i dont think i'm ready to hear you out. better still, dont answer me at all. nono i think you'd better just vent it out. yeahh.
hell, i need someone to hold my hand and lend me their shoulder to cry on. an oasis in the dry desolate desert. but i need that to come plainly, sincerely. however the human nature isn't one that views things like that simply. i'd probably end up giving one the wrong impression, or being labelled as scandalous. again. as usual. oh how i am so used to it. i am weak, i dont deny. how i wish someone could be there 24/7, to provide support, like the roots of a tree. someone to calm my nerves when the ominous clouds seem to hover over me [as they always do]. but then again, where do i find this fantasy of mine. nowhere, i presume? i want to be spoiled, doted upon, and basically feel loved. but then again, who doesn't?
that is why i prithee reconsider, those who have kindly expressed their concerns regarding my very depressing entries, and i ask you this. how do i sound happy when my life seems to be void of anything joyful?
sometimes it feels like i'm drunk behind the wheel
[i watch you groove]
...you look so very cool
the way you move
happyhappy Good Friday everyone! in case you dont know why we get a public holiday today, it's cause some 2000 years ago, Jesus died on the cross for our sins! all of us! isn't that just great. that's why we can still be standing here! awesome, isn't it. (like the speaker today who said very few people are really worthy of the word AWESOME. so don't use it too loosely) and three days later, He rose again! (: that's where you get your Good Fridays, and Easter Sundays! (:
today was pretty fab, i'd say. presbyterian service in the morning. how totally funkay to see my best friend again! nice to see elliot too! yay i missed kate so much! dumdum. trueway led worship, HAHA. we could all hear the sheep singing so clearly. coughs, okay i'm sorry. overall it was aiight. message was good! though i was er dozing off the first say fifteen minutes. haha. you can't blame me, i was really tired! but i heard the rest of it, and i guess it really struck me. how many times have you ever said 'Father, i love You.' the example he cited was a child never communicating with his parents, never telling them he loved them, being hardly fillial. now wouldnt that be monstrous. it is the same with God and us. (: dumdum. happyhappyy. and the speaker was quite humourous too. at least, enough to make my bro laugh quite a few times.
so after the service, caught up with kate and the yzers. haha. mikh was being so spastic as usual! he has officially labelled my phone as the 'neoprint phone'! haha. so three of us, kate me mikh, started taking photos. shrugs, not my idea. his. (: oh and he took a picture with max. haha max has a mohawk. it's damn cute! well we couldn't catch our movie since we all had to run along with our families.
had lunch at soup spoon (its amazing. haha) and headed home. had a nice long nap till kate called. her dad came to pick me, and off to the guild house it was. haha twas fun swimming with kate! or, hopping, at least. we basically hopped around the pool, singing, acting like walruses, and just talking about absolutely everything! thats what best friends are for, yes kate? haha. if she makes it to RJ, i promised her i'll jump around the fences of the tennis courts, from court to court. haha. then we all had dinner.
ah i had so much fun, nothing beats catching up with your pals. kate! next time we meet, it's either tennis, gym, or shopping! (: and it'd be soon, i dont care. yayy ilu!
hmm yesterday. i did err almost nothing. until tea. had tea (my first meal of the day) at menotti. raffles city. some strange italian restaurant that served really small portions. haha. and it was with my mum and her colleagues, so i left after my food to walk around and chat with jess on the phone.
anyways decided to meet cy for dinner. garlic kitchen at the esplanade. then i managed to convince him to go back to town with me, since we had nothing to do. but we didn't really do anything there either. haha. it's called walking around and taking in the scenary. town's really different at night. okay, i know, its far from the first time i've been to town at night. but i'm usually with grownups. it's diff with your friends. (: anyway left at 930. mum made me go to my grandmum's, and we stayed there till midnight.
yawns. what a tiring day its been.
haha, wont someone just sing this song to me... (: its so cute and sweet.
sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow
but if we are wise, we know that theres always tomorrow
lean on me, when you're not strong
and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on
for it won't be long, till im gonna need somebody to lean on
please, swallow your pride,
if I have things, you need to borrow.
for no one can fill those of your needs, that you won't let show
you just call on me, brother, when you need a hand,
we all need somebody to lean on.
i just might have a problem that you'll understand,
we all need sombody to lean on
if there is a load, you have to bear, that you can't carry,
i'm right up the road, i'll share your load, if you just call me.
whee and thank you xue and cheryl for your notes.
[i gave my best to you ]
it's kinda funny, i clicked on my archives by accident, so i decided to read what i used to feel in the past two years. and boy, i think reading my blog itself was a torture then. the terrible abbreviations, weird grammar, basically an odd way of blogging. or should i say, an irritating way. and the way i drag my letters like there's no tomorrow. oh hell, i can't believe i used to write like that. haha, i guess everyone matures in a way or another. when i look back in two years' time, these entries would be seemingly childish and ridiculous too. life, that's just the way it is. but man, i should change my blog, haha. so i wont have these past entries recorded down.
however, a very prominent observation was made. ive been feeling the same for the past two years? haha. maybe phrased terribly not tactfully then, but yeah. the hurt, the unappreciation, the confusions, the feeling of being almost completely lost, and basically the suffocation. i know jolly well how i felt in sec two, and i know who caused it too. its always been the people around me. guess im easily affected by my surroundings? but it was blatant then. and slightly more vague now. sure, as i've said before, the pretentious nature of everyone just kills me. the hypocrisy. wow its enough to put my life to a halt. but there's just something more these days. something i can't put in words, something i can't even identify. maybe it's the feeling of emptiness, and not having anyone to hold on to. maybe. but maybe not. if only someone could tell me what i'm feeling.
damn it's four and i haven't had lunch. nor breakfast. okay i shall go out. gah.
i just wanna feel safe in my own skin
you get me high` 11:13 PM
[you're just the best i've ever had]
it feels weird. not knowing what to feel. everything's a mixture of hot and cold. maybe its cause there's no school, and going to stupid places like jurong island just isn't the most engaging. life seems boring. but yet school doesn't bring much oomph either. oh and now that i dont even have choir to attend, there's nothing to look forward to. dance? yeah i'm sure. every sunday. one measily hour. though the best one hour of my week, it really doesn't bring much life into my life either. im just feeling empty. like plain empty. ah poof.
feeling lousy tonight, as usual. i dont knw what the heck i've been blogging. maybe i'll take a break from here, and entertain my nice blue diary a bit.
to my dear faithful readers, next time you see me, slap me. i need a wakeup call. or maybe an encouraging note might help. dont be like me, i'm never ego-boosting when i'm feeling like that. so dont come to me if you need cheering up.
sigh.
you'll always be my baby
[just another heartache on my list]
i never thought the others would react so strongly upon falling short of their expectations. i know, for a fact, i'm not alone. thus, i'm not gonna dwell on it. at least not here. i think the comm feels bad enough. i shall just hide in my own misery. not proclaiming it for the world to hear. cause even if i do, what good would come out of it. sure i may shed a few tears from time to time, as i think and come to a realisation of my worth. but soon all this will come to pass. i will leave rgs, not ever regretting joining this lovely family (choir, not rg), and still leave with a wonderful impression. amen.
dont really have much to say.
learning journey's beenn a bore.
i need sleep.
i dont wanna be lonely no more
[you say i only hear what i want to]
the disappointment is heartwrenching. it feels as though i've given my world, but never got it back. it was just taken from me. like the point of no return. it was something i really wanted, with my honest heart. i guess it wasn't meant to be. i wasnt meant to have it. and i never will. but you know i prayed about it before i even tried for it, and i prayed that if He thinks i should be in it, i will be. and if not, i won't. evidently the latter seems quite prominent now. HE will put me to better use, something that suits me more, am i not wrong.
i just. really wanted to sing for syf.
i always recalled a particular time and person every time i wasn't in the best of moods. and today's no exception. perhaps, when we were younger, things were more black and white. the grey areas were not as significant. primary school life was easy, wasn't it. the reason why i always reminiscise is cause looking back, i feel that things have hope, and there's always a way out. life can't be all that difficult. maybe i admired and missed the naviety. always being in one of the best classes, whether academically or characteristically. and when i came to rg, wham!bam!alakazaam! everything was different. plus a particular person who had been so prominent in my primary school days. one who i'd wait by my window for every single day without fail. the innocence. the hope. it wasn't anything serious, just something i was committed and used to doing every day. you know, the simplistic mind of being satisfied with just a second or two. right now, that just seems hard to achieve. everybody's different, complex, cunning. and not to mention, demanding. i am, sadly, no exception. and in this case, no one is.
guess this is a rather random entry, and you have to know me damn well to know what i'm talking about. thus, i shall cease my ramblings, and try to find comfort in sleep. i pray He bless me. (:
You have turned my mourning into dancing
[and i thought what i felt was simple]
so i'm happy today. see how my moods fluctuate! i'm so deliriously happy that worship went well! josh said it sounded quite good. man, such an accomplishment. (: but of course it wouldn't have worked out if it wasn't for my great musicians, and a good worship leader, who caught cues and intros, thus not making life difficult for us. i'm superbly touched that wilson downloaded 'this is how we overcome' so he could get the beat. such a pleasant surprise. (: isn't it an irony, that we were stuck at a song titled 'this is how we overcome'. haha. moreover, i did it without that yapyeelin's help! AND i didn't get ticked off by joyce. falala. the activities were rather fun too, was in mikh and jay's team. kate, bjay's a bit...high, these days. kinda strange. you know when i jump around in front of him, he'll like do a stupid dance. it's terribly odd. and mikh's just a goofball as usual. i like the picture i took with him! haha. no jess dont start the laogong/couple thing. but we look cute and retarded, cause everytime you're around mikh, you will become retarded. uncle kianseng asked who was the most handsome man in the Bible. mikh jay and joshua raised their hands. it was damn funny. but i guess i was in a gd mood, so everything seemed nice. (:
then dance. man I MISS PAT'S DANCE SO MUCH. since i was early, i was watching the beginner's class, and i couldnt help but think what a mistake it was to go for lionel's funk. moreover its a lot more expensive. pat makes you feel like youre dancing. lionel makes you feel like you're flinging your wrists. but i like lionel lar. he's a lot nicer. haha. while pat's bias. ladeedum. i love dance! i have come to a conclusion that ballet is redundant. sure, there are great ballerinas out there that make it. but i look around my friends, the ballerinas aren't even good. and i thought it was supposed to drill your techniques, like turns and kicks. apparently not. you just end up walking in second position. seems like jazz helps you with techniques a LOT better. helps you find your centre balance. mmhmm, so next time you wanna take up dance, start with jazz. not ballet.
lunched with mum, then made our way home. read my book! new addiction- a bend in the road, nicholas sparks. i love the way he writes. though it is a romance novel, and something i probably won't be very interested in. but really, what else is there to read. sci-fi? me? haha. sparks' rich vocab is ENTICING. (: plus he describes everything so well and makes it so realistic, it's so easy to relate to. but of course he, uh, doesn't leave out the explicit love scenes. haha. then i fell asleep. haha.
woke up at dinnertime. i realise i keep falling asleep. went to julian's for dinner. steamboat! auntie catherine gave me netted pullovers, AH. something i've been looking for since forever! and beat that, it's from zara. haha. so perfect. and she bought me a bag for my birthday. yay. after dinner we had cake! and i watched soccer with julian and uncle john. damn funny. ohh then we watched tonight with jay leno. omg so. funny. but quite a mockery, it's amazing how liberal americans are. the way they mock george bush, hahaha.
excuse my recounts of my day. i can't think of anything else to write. wanted to write about my recent people-watching habit. which is getting me very disturbed. but nah i'll leave it to next time.
anyway, RYAN'S BACKK! jollyjollyjolly. (:
it's weird. everyone seems to be hooking up and breaking up in less than a month or two. and the funny thing is they're getting attached immediately after breaking up. what's going on? much that i know it gets lonely at times, being single is fun. being crushless is even more fun! haha. at least you're not tied down. and you can go on thinking/swooning about random guys every day, and not feel the least bit guilty. okay now i sound like a big flirt. no i'm not. (: it's just that it's been AGES since i've felt this way. it all depends on your mood. haha. okay i take it back! it really makes me sound scandalous.
ah forget it, everyone presumes i'm scandalous anyway. (:
cheers.
raindrops will fall
[this is how we overcome]
thats one song that really drives me mad. shall elaborate later.
well let me start recounting my terribly horrible day. gosh.
so i wake up late for choir. getting there say 8. half an hour late. had to start singing without warmups, thank goodness auditions were only after choir. auditions were, well, quite screwed. the nerves really do get the better of you. i sang one note wrongly. I SANG ONE NOTE WRONGLY. how the hell could i have done that. moreover it was part of sunset. not sakurasakura. not amarilas. but SUNSET. the bloody set piece. ohh save me, someone. and we didn't know auditions were after choir. so everything only ended at like 1130.
then i had to come back after lunch which was like 230, and start diggin out the chords for the songs rach wanted to sing. and she only gave it to me last night at 2am, so its how rush. and i'm so so sorry for not being able to make it for the movie with mq. blah. anyway, yeelin decided not to pick up my calls/call me back/reply my msgs (UGH), so i was all alone to hunt for the strangest songs that were not in the databank. nevermind, i succeeded upon praying. good stuff. so i went to sleep cause i was so beat.
woke up for dinner with auntie catherine and mum at nooch. left for church at 730. so i waited for a full forty minutes and the stupid bus didnt come. deciding i was gonna be late and i should take a cab, i flagged for one, got on, and then the stupid bus came. UGH. it ALWAYS happens. THEN the stupid driver decided to make my day worse by going one BIG round, thinking he could cheat my money, which he did eventually. and i had to pay so damn much. worst of all, the bus got there the same time i did. see what a big round he took. dammit. he must've been feeling damn cocky after cheating my cash. blah.
and because yapyeelin didn't wanna receive return my calls or reply my msgs, i couldnt hunt for a photocopying machine, leaving jason to SCAN my songsheets on the com, and slowly printing them out. which took forty minutes. that's why worship prac started so damn late! thank goodness mikh could make it to play the bass for me. or else i wouldn't know what i'd have done without a bassist.
after settling down, we tried out the songs. and got stuck at THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME. i'm telling you my hatred for that song has grown immensely. the beat's weird, chords aren't easy. and basically a hard song to catch. so i had to spend SO MUCH TIME going through it with the bassist and guitarist. i should get tabs for wilson next time. yeahh. before we could finish all the songs, uncle siva came in and told us he had locked the gates. so greattt. we had to stop prac. all in all everything turned out WRONG.
man, i'm just on fire now. how i'd like to rip my hair and scream at the top of my lungs. all i can do now is PRAY that HE will help me through tomorrow. i'm not keen to get joyce rail at me, she isn't even lixian. i mean if xian screams, i'll listen. not her. not someone who can't even carry her pitch. arghh. but i'm grateful that my musicians could come down. wilson left his steamboat early to help me, i'm forever grateful. mikh, my boy! despite his fatigue he still came, AND remembered to bring his bass. jay agreed to back rach up though it was last minute, and albeit him being high on sugar. hahaha. jason just taking time out! and lance! being my teammate and staying back after bible study to help me listen out. i'm ETERNALLY grateful, wouldn't have been able to do it, AND calm my frustrations if it wasn't for him.
so, should i count my blessings?
when i think i'm going under, part the waters, Lord
[there are times i swear i know you're here]
first of all
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IVAN! ((:
i'm going mad. i have decided to ban myself from shopping. just got home from shopping with jess, and we visited miss sixty. big mistake. i fell for one of the tops, and jess , a skirt. phwoar. my top's 163, her skirt's 201. we could've just died. moreover the salesguy was so nice and helpful and feminine. hahaha. ugh gotta stop thinking of it. yup. blah.
we had lunch and cheesecake with iwan before that. haha we were late, as usual. and hell stagedoor's so expensive. tsk. and the cheeeesecake wasn't too bad, so thank you for bringing us there. ladeedum.
i think my mum's got her moodswings again. she woke me up this morning, screaming at me for sleeping so late the past few nights (talk about delayed reaction), and basically being very mean. then she left my room. the next time she came in, she was being so nice and whatnot and telling me she took leave to go shopping with me. -.- problematic, i'd say. sniff. and i think i'm catching a flu.
shucks syf auditions tomorrow. damnnn freaked out. its gonna be on a saturday morning, what the hell! we all have morning voices! really helluva freaked out. just keep prayinggg just keep praying. yawns. hope all goes well, i guess. the nerves are driving me mad.
a moment of despair that forces you to say that life's unfair. it makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring. but dont go giving into fear, stop hiding all alone in there. the show keeps going on and on but you'll miss the whole damn thing.
probably what i'm feeling right now. see how great joss stone is, and how her songs just speak to you. or me. whatever. the sweetest part would be the chorus, i believe. doesnt everyone just need someone to be their security. whereas it seems terribly hard to find mine. but i have decided, there's nothing wrong with leading a life where there's always output but no input. helping people is, afterall, a virtue. and not many people are equipped with the opportunity. moreover, i AM an instrument of God (probably the only thing i caught from yesterday's sermon.) and i will sing dance and play for Him. and be an inspiration.
-nods-
maybe life is better off this way
[You are all that i need]
hello everyone. okay i predict i'll get tired of my blog very soon, cause i'm not used to the whole pink/white sweetish bimb thing anymore. maybe i'll change the colour of the hearts. yeahh.
just got back from planetshakers! was there with xiaoyu yunlin and daryl. thank you three of you for coming! well it was mostly not bad. very jumpy very high, but i honestly didnt get the message. i dont think the guy made much sense. sorry, no offence intended. even daryl agreed. while xy and yunlin were just uh rattling off. haha. wow the number of times we had to jump was amazing. rather tiring. ladeeedum. expected it to be longer, though. plus they didnt sing many songs. shrugs.
before that, went out with lowchunyee. ah i was er super late. was too caught up with changing my template beforehand, thus losing track of time. heh, whoops. lunched. then pooled, as usual. what else is there to do in town! you can only eat shop watchmovie pool. yup. our pathetic 'town' for you. pooled for two hours. learned another type of pool! 9-ball. quite cool, but hard. esp when youre playing against someone like him. haiii. then he took a train down to pasir ris with me. it was really funny, we met nikki on the way, and after saying like one or two lines to me, she went back to her ac guys, totally didnt bother about. so he was saying we could do something scandalous and she wouldnt even have noticed. typical.
anyways took a train back with daryl yunlin and xiaoyu after the concert. why am i jumping around. first the concert, then before that, and then after the concert. weird. okay yeah anywayyy. got to clementi at 11. and though i got railed by my mum previously for coming back so late, thank Him that i didnt get scolded when i got on the car. everything was...peaceful.
dont i sound slightly more uplifted today. haha. guess it's always nice to be in His presence. seeing everyone worship Him so enthusiastically is really an encouragement. it's good stuff lar. just wish everyone could getta know HIM! should i go tomorrow. it's so damn far. and im not sure if they'll sing the same songs. but i wanna find people to bring along too! to spark them off, to make them on fire! shrugs. see how. maybe follow kate and elliot to adam road's service.
yay jess likes my layout. maybe i wont change it. but i wanna change the fonts to something cursive. someone help me, cause somehow i cant get it to work. blah.
and take me where you are
if you made it here, congrats!
just thought i'd give it a change. if i dont like the new template, i can always change it back, right?
i think there's music? cause it says so in the html. i'll remove it when i get back. right now, it's off to the stupid small town!
[take another little piece of my heart baby]
yes tristan you do entertain me. haha.
is it enough to love? is it enough to breathe? dont you feel that sometimes life is so... cliche. everything's so normal, routine- basically, boring. and not to mention we live in this tiny country that has nothing except a stupid road we know as TOWN. talk about being trapped in a well. okay i know i dont really have a point. i'm just annoyed and irritated. by what, i'm not very sure. and no they arent just mood swings, i'm seldom affected by them. guess i'm just tired of everything around me. tired of the false fronts i have to keep up, tired of the pretentious nature of all around me. take timothy for example. everytime i talk to him, and i know that he's feeling down, i do all i can to sound as jolly and happy when i talk to him. just to be an encouragement, regardless of what hell i'm facing. but no he just doesnt respond, and the continuous thoughtless responses annoy me. cause he's not trying. so what's the point in me trying.
my apologies if i've been annoying people with my frumpiness. i think i've been pissing people off. cause everyone's so used to me being jolly and happy and high and just so carefree. and a change in my attitude pisses them off. make sense? no. but hey, that's just how people work. insensitivity is another inborn nature. well fyi, my usual JOLLYHOLLYness is more of a facade than anything else. as i've mentioned to xiaoyu today, the more upset i am, the high-er i am. but very few can see through that shield of mine. and it seems that only those are the ones who have made a difference in me.
how i wish someone could sing me 'where you are' by jessica simpson and nick lachey. what a gorgeous song it is.
i just read a friend's blog, that clearly sums up my mood these days. and what i've been trying to put across in this very dear blog of mine. should i quote it?
silence in apathy invokes scarcity in sympathy. when we bottle up all the troubles we have, people become apathetical if they're not sensitive enough to detect it, and there goes sympathy; out the window. at least. that's what i deduce from this. something i decided to come up with in my own free time. not that anyone really matters now, do they?
-shaun.
doesnt it just speak to you. and enlighten you?
how queer.
was out with xiaoyu today. thanks for the company, girl. pool is fun. and thanks for the very belated birthday. muchly appreciated. and i watched a series of unfortunate events. a very...strange show, i must admit. but yet enlighting in some sense. the underlying meaning and moral to the show isnt all that evident, but noticeable. and it should be valued. -nods. maybe i'll go get the book for the fun of it. hmm.
i'm waking up to say i've tried
[you follow me back with the sun in your eyes]
today was, well, better than most. choir was so much better. we sound so much better, under that hunchback of notredame wu jie. (sorry i didnt mean to sound offensive) he's got good shaping, i must say. we sounded a LOT better. still not gold standard, but near. unfortunately, we only sound like that when he's here. which is, bad. yeah. okay nothing really happened before choir, since i only woke up an hour before that, and had a nice lunch/breakfast thingamajig at simply bread. ooh dont i just adore that place.
tuition was with tristan and david. haha. funny having tristan sitting next to me. i can borrow eraser! haha. okay whatever. david is, uh, tall. and he scares me. so haha nvm. but quite a few laughs, so thats good. tristan entertains me, somehow. and i found out some stuff bout an exclassmate. interesting.
i dont really have much to say. i still like my phone. (: ah well. shall go out with xiaoyuu tmr. (: lovely.
could i have this kiss forever
cause when i'm with you
there's nowhere else that i would ever wanna be
you know you got it, if it makes you feel good.
i like my new phone. i finally got it. (: it's pretty and slick. made me a little bit happier today. at least, for ten minutes. afterwhich, i got home, mum and bro got into this heated argument. and the steamboat dinner, one of my favorites, became a cold silent one. with one sobbing on my right, one being very stern and unfeeling on my left. why am i always the peacemaker.
guess the finale wasn't so bad when mum decided to make herself scarce and go to visit my aunt. while my bro and i cleared up the plates and washed them. twas quite fun, surprisingly. guess doing chores bring people together? haha i take that back.
ah i dont have much to say. i've been ranting to people and putting myself down. AND caring about others. as usual. that's what i always do, dont i. okay, most wont know that cause they dont appreciate it. MR CELLOPHANE, i say it again. the night's not very young, so i shall settle down with my pillow. tata.
hear me, i'm crying out
[with all i am]
man i havent had such a bad day in such a long time. like consecutive disappointments. i thought i woke up feeling, well, a LITTLE better. maybe its cause i slept at 1030 last night, and woke up at 1030 this morning. it did feel like i fulfilled my long sleep. but after church, my bro informed me that there was some mix up and i couldnt get my new phone. boom. what a huge disappointment. most would know how i long for that phone. ugh. i mean it's not just the phone that's upsetting me, but why, of all times, choose now to throw another bomb at me. then as i was walking to the mrt station to meet jess to go for dance, feeling all bummed and depressed, she tells me that pat's sick and there won't be class.
what the hell lar.
sigh. and i thought nothing else could go wrong. moreover i had a hunch he would come for dance today. what a let down.
i wonder why so many people visited my blog today. must be cause they wanna take a look at my sad life and mock me. ah go ahead.
i really can't stand everyone around me. the self centred-ness is driving me crazy.
one song that spoke to me a lot during prayer&praise today.
with all i am
into your hand
i commit again
with all I am
for you Lord
you hold my world
in the palm of your hand
and I'm yours forever
Jesus I believe in you
Jesus I belong to you
you're the reason that I live
the reason that I sing
with all I am
I'll walk with you
wherever you go
through tears and joy
I'll trust in you
and I will live
in all of your ways and
your promises forever
I will worship I will worship you forever
[all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid]
see. i've slept, woken up, and i'm still feeling the same. worse, maybe. went to zhiqiang and peifen's wedding today. i mean i'm happy for them, but seeing them so happy it's like. WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY. that kinda thing. sigh.
anyway thanks kate. that note meant a lot to me. but much that i know this is silly, i'm still human. like, when i'm feeling like... this. and i pray. i try to tell Him everything, but sometimes it just feels like i'm talking to myself. like okay i know He's up there listening. but in an earthly way, i dont see where my rattling is going to. like i dont get a response, and really it just feels like i'm talking to myself. and it doesnt take away anything. so please, tell me what to do. i'm feeling really helpless.
just being random, i dread jc. i dread the thought of the possibility that i would see what i mean to nick right in my face. all this while, i know, i know very well that everything i do and feel is hardly vice versa. in fact, i've been scolded many times, and quarreled with so many people so many times. i know their kind intentions of not wanting me to get hurt. they see things that i choose not to see. i am protective, i recall how i used to get into arguments with cy in sec 1, sec 2, refusing to let him say anything about it. come to think of it, more like refusing to see the light. but as next year draws closer, and if he doesnt make it abroad, i can just see the things that will eventually cut me. something i've been avoiding for years. so right now, i'll face it, and scream it to myself.
you think he's one of your best friends? bullshit. best friends are supposed to be vice versa. so screw you and face reality.
ugh i'm so tired. tired of all of this. the pretentious nature of human kind is killing me. and the hypocrisy. gosh, the hypocrisy. i just want to fall into a very deep sleep. and sleep for a very long time.
please dont wake me up.
even though i'm the sacrifice
you wont try for me, not now
though i'd die to know you love me
i'm all alone
isn't something missing
isn't someone missing me
[can you come and make them disappear]
it seems i've only started feeling like this since this year. i doubt i've ever felt so ...lost, and alone before. and not to mention diminished. sure, many people would just attribute it to paranoia, but i suspect it's more than that. i know i know that i have good friends around me, yada yada. and all the usual stuff. but i dont have anyone to talk to when i'm at my weakest. my lowest. and, it's not as though anyone really cares. maybe slightly, but hardly significant. i feel like, cellophane.
yeahh anyone heard of the song before? it was featured in chicago.
and even without clucking like a hen
everyone gets noticed, now and then.
unless of course that personage should be
invisible, inconsequential, me.
cellophane, mr cellophane
should have been my name, mr cellophane
cause you can look right through me
walk right by me
and never know i'm there
voila. sums up how i feel. it doesnt help that everyone's asking me to sleep. i mean, sure i wont think and brood about it. but what the hell, wont i wake up feeling just the same? how does that help in any way? sigh. but i guess i am tired. after all the running in the rain. suits me, since i fade in the background.
sigh.
here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
thank YOU derek! you really made my day.
i promise you i'll heed your advice. thank youuuu for being sucha confidante, in almost every single thing i do. you've been so wonderful.
haha and thank you for the chocolates, but i feel fat and disgusting today. so i'll indulge in them...soon.
(:
[i wonder how the sky would look without my star]
ahh just a short note, since i'm superbly tired. school's been mad. tests. lit test tmr. i'm just so so shagged, i wish i could sleep for a week, and play for 6 months. gah. much that i know we students are rather numb towards it, everything's still really heavy and stressful. haha i know what i need, but i wont get it. so hmm, ah well. fat chance. (:
well glory to Him, i did well for math! made one VERYVERY careless mistake that deprived me of my full marks, but still i'm so grateful. and so so thankful. thank goodness this is the last week of the term. ahhhh. i need rest. REST. and the week after that's learning journey, even better! swim carn on friday. what am i gonna do during swim carn? sit behind, listen to music, and sleep. better remember to bring my music, and charge it properly. tralala.
choir again tmr. ah syf's so pressurizing. and dry. everything's so...taxing. i see everyone's face turn dull just thinking of choir. pressure pressure. plus our pitching has been horrendous, i really dont wanna be the only batch that screws syf up. so i PRAY that we'll be fine. God bless us. bahh. anyway comm, jiayou.
watched hitch with jess today. it's damn funny at some parts. camera angle, EXCELLENT. hahaha. there was one point where jess couldn't stop laughing, and her laughter was like reverberating throughout the theatre. the guy next to me had that 'errrrrrr' expression on his face. hahaha. at least it was a good laugh.
bahh i shall sleep. SLEEP. i need sleep. i'm sleep deprived. hallelujah.
i want you and your beautiful soul
[and all that jazz]
i'm rather happy today. mmhmm. ms ng said my rs report isn't too bad. just a few touch ups and it would be quite good. (((: i owe this all to Him! cause i prayed like crazy, under the tremulous torture of yeopeili. people around me would have known how much i dreaded tuesdays last year. happyhappy. (:
anyways, the aftermath of nonstop dancing. haha. both hamstrings pulled, aching back and neck, and all the fatigue. it's okay, the week's coming to an end. in fact, the term's coming to an end. talk about being quick. it seemed like yesterday since the year started. and 2 weeks ago since jiangnan. guess time passes really quickly. and soon i'll be in rj, if i dont get kicked outta rp, haha. being faced with... ri guys. haha not a very appealing thought huh. just think of the guys in the same batch.......
hahaha. no offence! (:
lunch with lenard yesterday. that silly boy's so good to deborah. amazing. but it's always fun to have his company, since a simple pout will get me my way. muahaha. well thank you for the walk home! or halfway, at least. before you ran like lightning for the bus! haha. (: nice people.
ugh why do people keep searching for lianne ngoi and landing up at my blog. i dont think i blog much about tarts. doubt i've mentioned her name. hmm. shrugs. and ling i went to your tracker, haha! how come people search for karwei cut her hair. HAHA. so funny. ((:
i have learnt today! that i have to put everything to Christ. and thank you annalyn for the gentle reminder. i must say i'm quite proud of you. considering we've been friends for so long, i've never seen you love Him so much. (: good stuff.
have any of you been watching american idol! ouch the contestants are good! damn good! i think the guys are, haha, rather charismatic. plus they sing really quite well. impressive impressive. even the girls are quite splendid. whee sucha joy to watch.
ah okay, now to do philo essay!
you're still the one
[i spread my wings and i learn how to fly]
hello you cynical world!
though all you've been doing is finding fault with me, i still managed to have an awesome day. nyahhhnyahhhh to you. hrmph.
went on a dance spree today. danced for 7 hours straight! okay with a lunch break in between. oh fun fun. four types of jazz. funk. and salsaaaa. ooh lala.
lyrical jazz is gorgeous. you're like this pretty picture flying around. (okay doesnt sound too gorgeous) but it's so nice! and alicia's so good, i'm so jealous!
street jazz was er. slightly weird lar. cool, if you can do it. if not you will just look like a pendulum. HAHA. only jess will know what i'm talking about, i believe.
latin jazz is cute, but slightly boring. or maybe cause we had salsa before that, so everything was sort of interlinked. ladeedum.
broadway jazz! AH. something that took us by surprised. so different from everything else. it's like. las vegas dancing. which is phwoar. but the attitude needed for this dance is immense! insanity. but it's SO. MUCH. FUN.
pure funk was. okay lar. haha. we shall all go back to pat. mmhmm.
salsa! funfunfun! partner dances are so cool sometimes. that is, if you get the right optimum partner to dance with you. haha. wheee.
so now the dilemma of which class to pick when i can take up another class. either lyrical, broadway, or salsa. i wanna go bang myself against the wall, cause its just the hardest thing to decide. hmmm.
AND i finished my stupid english argumentative! (a bit late i know lar)
ahhh i dont like this entry. sounds so high and unstable. and not the least deep. nevermind, you hardly catch me this happy. so let this be a one-off thing. ((: tralalala.
by the way, if you guys have never tried dancing, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?
sheesh.
all. that. jazzzzz
[youre still the one]
wanna hear of my terribly fun-filled/enjoyable day?
well first i overslept for founders' day, rushed to choir, had lunch by myself, came home, and i've been stoning since then. SO FUN HUH.
...i think i literally bored myself to tears.
i have reasons why i like to go out on saturdays. why i choose to be anywhere but at home. cause no one's home most of the time, anyway. why coop myself within four walls. or, like today, i'd end up in fights/quarrels/arguments and basically tear-filled days. so why bother putting myself through all this? i just feel so bloody shit and alone.
so other than next saturday, the rest i'm free. any kind soul wants to reserve me for just a day? i wont take up too much time, but you'll definitely help quite a bit.
and now i've gotta force myself to down some goodness-knows-what medicine/liquid/thing to help subside my cough cause im determined to be well by tomorrow and go for dance. but it tastes really awful. why can't medicine taste nice for once.
i heard 'still' by brian mcknight on radio today. gosh what a beautiful song. memories flood in when i hear that song.
if you love me, look inside my eyes and say you do
everything's just...not working out well now. nothing's right. nothing feels right. i'm irritated with so many people- or maybe, just people in general. the human kind. oh why am i one of them. i need my security. i need my comfort zone. i need you to not be in the u.k. or you to have late night chats with me again.
derek i need my stargazing stroll again. come over quick.
i've been waiting all my life for someone just like you
just that this wait will never end huh. i dont think of you like before. i dont view you like i did before. your image is just a blurred vision. you were perfect, but i just have to make do with the less perfect from now on. which is alright, at least it's compatible with me.
and i want you to know i do still dream about you
i'm going mad. everything's crazy and upside down. why in the world is rg being oblivious to the five day work week huh? rebelling against the prime minister's words? madness. i have choir four times a week. and still have to go back to school on saturday for founders' day. oh justice, where art thou.
bio talk yesterday. german guys are boring. mmhmm. met cy after the talk. blah so funny. watching the j1s dance. derek came over after cy left for training. he delibrately left me alone cause he wanted, as i'd quote, 'the two lovebirds to enjoy themselves'. like i'm sure that made sense der. and thank you for cheering me up. plus the nice stargazing stroll just now. made me happy.
rugby is a scary game. seeing how they stack up. human dominos. wonder why people would join such a cca to injure themselves. shrugs. guys. -shakes head-
sorry for the random posts these days. maybe cause i dont have much to say. or maybe cause i have too much to say but i dont wanna say. so everything's slightly scattered. i just thank the people who have kept me company. thank you, you and you, and yes you.
brother's home. probably time for me to sleep and wake up early to receive the new glorious morning. --.-- with founders' day. mmhmm.
someone help me pray that my coughing will subside.
i want to dance on sunday.
i watched the walls around me crumble. ah really i have. fine i should be sleeping now. but its not as though im not gonna rebuild them again. you need a life without me. so i'm gonna make that happen.
i need a soldier that ain't scared to stand up for me.
can you see me my love, im drawing in the sand.
everything's so blurry now. i can't pass a minute without being in deep thought. whether it's about my school work, most of the time it is, or other stuff. is sec 4 this pressing for everyone else? or just me. ugh. every moment is spent dwelling on essay questions, figuring out trigo stuff, and just busy doing and doing and doing work.
the march hols are so necessary.
guess i look forward to this sunday quite a bit. four jazz classes, salsa, and funk. dancing from 11-5. ah what joy. i think i'll be deliriously happy and satisfied after the classes. dumdum.
this isn't going anywhere. i'd better go pop the necessary pills in my mouth, and head to bed. chinese tmr. i am a zhongguoren!
laughs.
a fragile heart was broken before
i dont think it could endure another pain
i think for the first time in my life, i looked at people in a cynical way today. i glanced at my surroundings, the people, and all i felt was disgust.
for the first time, i could see daggers behind their smiles. two-faced seemed to be their middle names. i saw how insensitive one could be to another's feelings. how being self centered is such a common trait.
for the first time, i didnt let naivety get the best of me. i see how some people view themselves, being more superior than others.
we're all the same but no one thinks so.
words that just flow outta one's mouth, like crocodile tears. without a hint of sincerity.
bullshit. all of this.
plain. bullshit.
thank you daryl for the lovely present, and derek for the buncha flowers.
made my day. really.
Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com