all that jazz'

Saturday, April 30

sometimes i wish my family was a better example of a loving one.
i wish there was once i ever felt loved.
cause i realise i've hardly felt it.
ever.

saying you love me, doesn't mean i am loved.
cause i dont feel it.
and that is what's important.

so beg all of you, don't take the first flight to jupiter,
leaving me all alone here.
on this polluted earth,
stranded.
helpless.
and scared.

i'm just alone.
and afraid.

so
very afraid.

you get me high`
8:57 AM

Friday, April 29

[promises]

they say that hanging on will justify the wait.
will it?
but patience and elated wisdom don't share a common phrase.
i'm only hanging on for what goes down.
i'm floating high.
but my feet just don't touch the ground.
really, i'd take advantage.
but i can't see through this charade.

so dont go,
dont you make this harder than hell.

beauty's so unavoidable- everywhere you turn,
it's there.
i sit and wonder what am i doing here.

you get me high`
4:32 AM

Thursday, April 28

[and we cry- the tears of pearls]

my apologies to the miscommunication, everyone thought i was having sex or something. -.- bloody. i signed off with 'back to the reproductive parts' my last entry, and i meant STUDYING them. for my bio exam. very funny. those people who started msging me. -shakes head-

I can do all things through God. i can. i really can.
....i really hope.
all of a sudden, i'm getting every question on qualitative analysis wrong. my physics is and will always be rubbish. sometimes i really wished i had a better mind, one that could absorb concepts more easily. one that could memorise facts well. but i gues God made everyone differently, and i just have to accept that i might not be cut out for studying. who knows. it all depends on how He uses me. my life is His to claim anyway. (:

sunday's coming. and i'm really looking forward to it this time.

is love really the tragedy, the way you might describe?
or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside
make you cry.
and we stare each other down
like victims in the grind.
probing all the weaknesses, hurt still left behind.
and we cry.
all these mixed emotions we keep locked away
like stolen pearls.
stolen pearls devotions
we keep locked away from all the world.

we twist and turn where angels burn

you get me high`
8:00 AM

Wednesday, April 27

[i somehow find, you and i collide]

post exam euphoria. so appealing. so attractive.

just imagine what it'd be like.
extra dance lessons.
going out.
pool.
casting aside the very heavy campbell bio book.
no more social studies textbook...

actually not much, considering i still carry out my usual activities.

just that i'll be liberated from the feeling of explosion within me. the phobia of touching the textbooks. so much so, not even wanting to go home. the shivers down my spine.

its weird how, of all days, i seem to think of him a lot more today. maybe its the refuge i seek, amidst my hectic schedule now. plus i watched a really heartwrenching show just now. heh. didnt really link.

even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find, you and I collide

okay i'll stop my bull. wheee reproductive parts, here i come! -.-

so tell me did you really think
i had gone and you couldnt see me anymore

you get me high`
6:27 AM

Monday, April 25

and youre just like a pill.
instead of making me better
you keep making me ill

let's do something i haven't done in ages- talk about my day(s).

so, as we all know, if you count yesterday part of this week,
so far, this week sucked.

so let's talk about yesterday.
so church was aiight. worship seemed fine, everyone liked the idea of only as pianist as the musician, which would evidently be me, and all the burden's on me cause everyone's too busy to give two hoots about something i'm going through ALONE. and one worship leader, who of course cant sing in tune. but its okay. through God, everything went well. twas the 'if you wear red and youre in jeans, youre cool-' day. if you made any sense out of that, of course. cause mikh jay and i were all in the same colours. and what does this say.
...that we're cool, of course.

lunch was supposed to be with jess, but of course being my ohsoconsiderate mum, she told me i can't go in the end, cause we were supposed to have lunch with my grandparents. thus i was left to cancel on jess last minute, which most definitely annoyed her. my apologies. and at the same time, i get an sms from ivan, finding out that his day didn't go so well either, okay. understatement. it wasn't anywhere near well. okay then i meet mum, and she tells me, oh. we're not having lunch with your grandparents anymore, it's gonna be dinner instead. and at this moment i'm on the verge of lashing out a line of profanities, but it's okay. i'm cool. so i shut up. and pretend nothing happened.
[but of course everyone who knows me would know it would be blatantly written on my face]

so after a rather hypocritical lunch with my brother and mum, a word here which means i try to smile every second and act happy and as though nothing happened, i headed home to take a very satisfying nap. just the thing to get me all psyched up for the later part of the day. got rammed up at 4, and headed to the library to try be a good girl and do some work. and most definitely, i was. i completed all my homework, however taking more time than really necessary cause the sweet thought of my being a few hours later kept crossing my mind, leaving me either in smiles or fits, whichever seems more appropriate.

oh yes, i do have to add that i reminded my mum time and time and time and again that dinner HAS to be at 6, if she wants to dine in the club, as it is a popular restaurant, and the food would take no less than fortyfive minutes to be delivered to our table, and that i wouldnt be late for tuition. my, was i right. the only thing that didn't go as planned, was that mum arrived with my grandparents at SIX FORTY FIVE. which was, so on time. what i predicted- by 720, the food hadnt arrived yet. what i hadnt predicted- the waitress FORGOT about our order. by this time, the streaks of red were evident across my face, however having to keep my cool due to the presence of my dearest grandparents. and it's not as though i didn't want to dine with them.

anyway dinner ended on a really bad note, where only half of the food came, and my mum not being able to stand the look on my face, drove the car and we all decided to head for my tuition. i do hope she brought my grandparents to eat after she dropped me, though. however i did note my abhorrent behaviour, and knew that God wouldnt be very pleased, thus not presenting me my couchtime. but i expected it. so it was fine. i was just glad to be there.

tuition was. well. quite a mess. cause i was feeling terribly lousy, and hadn't had much energy to talk and coverse, and to laugh properly. but nevermind. i'm still thankful for whatever happened and whatever did not. life still goes on. oh PLUS there was a certain someone who kept calling me and irritating me, despite the number of times i'd told him to shut up and leave me alone, i had nothing more to say to him. -breathes in, breathes out-
its aiight. life still goes on.

last night ended with ten minutes of crying over the phone, and trying to make sense of whatever i felt.
life still goes on.

today.
all who are close to me, should know, the lousier i'm feeling, the higher i will be. [or cynical and sarcastic, which usually only happens when i talk to guys cause somehow i think girls, unless we're talking about annalyn here, cannot handle it.] which would explain my very abnormal behaviour for the whole day. i was msging about five pple, and trying to let off steam, however failing miserably due to the inability to verbalise my thoughts and feelings. while on the other hand, laughing like hyenas on the loose with rucha, almost to tears, and thankfully not, lest i think i'll just break down and start crying- for good.

and for the life of me. shhhhok hoon didn't scold me today. guess why! cause i was GLARING at her throughout the lesson. aww doesnt she just like attention.

after school saw me at nydc pigging out on sandwiches, that i couldnt finish for the life of me. with a really glorious drink. thank you for the company. then cabbed home and took a shower. i like the toilet. no let me change that, i like the acoustics in the toilet. hell i just sat there and sang. for fifteen minutes straight. why? cause i felt sinful and i wanted to worship. worship can be and should be done not only on sundays. also the toilet made me sound better than i would usually have cause of the beautiful acoustics. so, thank you toilette. i left the toilet realising i only had ten minutes to practise my violin and rush for piano. so i did, and i left.

piano. oh the horror of it all. my teacher's really nice lady who's the pastor's wife, and readily lends me scores for christian songs, cause she thinks i can't figure the chords out. really, im grateful. for such a nice lady. the only problem is that she talks as softly as a mouse, and as slowly as a turtle. and turns my beautiful autumn crocus to a choppy slapstick. autumn crocus is, btw, my favorite exam piece, where i savour the gorgeous melody that can melt anything jelly. but no, when i play the piece at her place, i see red more than anything. really, she's a great person. but i need my freedom. at least, when it comes to piano.

and of course being the nice lady she is, she doesn't mind extending the lesson, or torture, for another thirty minutes, without charging more! and she only stopped when she realised that I WAS GOING TO BE LATE FOR VIOLIN. so she freaked out and hurried me downstairs. as you know, my feelings are written all over my face, so anyone, but her of course cause shes so nice, would be able to tell i was going to explode. i said my prayer, and reminded myself what a nice lady she is, so dont blow. dont blow.

cant you just tell how i keep reminding myself that she's nice. ah yes.

thank goodness for violin. piano lessons are a waste of money. violin lessons with boss are destressing. he let me play with his bow! woo. not play with his bow, you cant really do that. but play MY violin with HIS bow. which was lighter than mine, and did me good. funny how in the middle of the lesson, when i needed water, we spent a good ten minutes at the tele trying to see if he was going to be on the programme. ahha. and i got the chicago dvd! of course borrowed from his vast collection of pirated deals, but hey, i can't be happier. its just what i need.

so i've been home ever since 9ish, unable to start with work due to my musical fatigue, and talking weirdly-and when i mean weirdly, i mean like using the tone of this entry-to people who're supposedly so close to me. i.e chunyee. but i can't help it. my back hurts, my fingers are slightly cut, and i dont understand physics. what can be a better formula for sleep.

my apologies abt my entry, i know i usually dont blog like this, but the hint of sarcasm in my sentences does serve as a relief of my very heavy load.

life will go on, and it will be good. what's done has been done, ivan, things happen for a reason. God didn't give you the chance, or sort of, for a reason. and i would say the same thing to myself. you just gotta trust that He knows better than you do. (: other than that, my phone's always on.

there is another universe in your eyes.
and i'm tired of this one.

black horse and the cherry tree

you get me high`
8:02 AM

Sunday, April 24

why dont i get the same feeling when i look into your eyes.
no wait, i dont.
everytime our eyes meet i look away.
almost immediately.
and i dont know why.

thank you for showing your concern today,
it really meant a lot.
but, just not enough.
two weeks without your shadow.
somehow, i think i can get by.

and i hope i'm not just lying to myself.

twas a bad day.
a bad bad day.

you get me high`
8:56 AM

Friday, April 22

[you need a girl to ride ride ride, hahaha]

some people aren't please with two sentences.
haha how troublesome!
finefine i got a paragraph.
hello ivan!
yes i agree. it's like wow. when i talk to you. exploring the similarities. queer how the same things [or sort of] happen to us at almost the same time! mercedes and sebastian. haha, i can only laugh.
well i explored something in school today.
about how our situations shouldnt affect us.
things like these are supposed to be "ups" of our lives. the fun part. unlike the academics, the gelid nonchalence of life. so take it easy.
these are the things that would make us smile in the midst of a crisis.
laugh, though the world around us doesnt deserve it.
and not be vexed, or somewhat, on top of our already-stressful lifestyle.
and my gratitude for being the optimistic one. who believes for every horrible day, there'll be another equally overjoyous one.
so smile. (:
and she'll be yours.

did i mention what a dread it was in school today?
i'm on the verge of stomping into the principal's office and complain about our dear social studies' teacher.
one who blames me for things i havent done.
i.e talking in class [hell i was just looking at her; my mouth wasnt even open]
busy scribbling when she's not talking about anything that required notes [hello, my hands were not even on the table, much less holding a pen]
and many other stuff.
my word, does she annoy me.
i wonder who we should blame if we screw up our ss perf task.
her?
or us?
i wonder who gave the differing information to different individuals.
what unprofessionalism.
where's colmanchua when you need him.

but. i really hate it. being maligned.

yes, the day sucked.
everyone was in a foul mood, somehow or another.
at the point, around after RS.
everyone was just. flustered.
annoyed.
aggitated.
everything.

but i guess there'll be a rainbow after every storm.
i can only thank God for this! my exposition.
everyone knows i can't write expos for nuts.
man, how i'd use to fail them last year.
what a slap across my face, cause my essays hadn't been a problem.
up till last year.
an a1. for a stupid expository.
on the most boring topic ever- family.
i can only thank Him.

worship prac. okay not much of worship.
just me and the worship leader.
everything went well. and i know there's only one person to thank!
it's amazing, if it weren't for Him, i wouldn't get the weirdest chords i had to figure out. moreover on the first try.
so right now, i can only sing this.
Lord i offer my life to You
everything i've been through
use it for Your glory
Lord i offer my days to You
lifting my praise to You
as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord i offer you my life

i really do.

ohoh! i talked to hebert on the phone today!
woo it's been how long! four years?
mum and i were thinking of dropping by jakarta in the first week of june. and it so happens to be his holiday too!
woo! i would so love to see him again!
and go iceskating in some strange indonesian shopping complex!
haha. and probably go bali!
i hope i hope i hope.
and i miss auntie jessica!
she's probably one of my favourite 'aunties'.
she's the mostest! (:

forever i'm on your side

you get me high`
7:36 AM

Thursday, April 21

[always you]

it's nice to have pple to talk to.
confide in.
give advice.
so thank you muffin.
thank you ivan.
esp ivan.
and good luck with your mercedes.
keep me updated.

i'm sorry for ticking you off.
i was just annoyed.
that i'm so vexed on one hand.
i have my reasons for not sharing it with you.
and actually i think its quite obvious why.
so i was just annoyed.
that you would ask someone behind my back.
and the way you changed your hypothesis.
it was quite laughable.
in a very sarcastic way.

now is just a pointless nostalgia.
yup. that's me.

lovers and friends

you get me high`
4:17 AM

Wednesday, April 20

[my bedtime]

i thought about it
and i dont really know why i'm feeling this way.
yet i can't help it.
the feeling's overwhelming.
i'm falling hard.
so hard.

i guess i just
want you to hold me in those arms.
dying to taste you, i can't deny.
can't get you off my mind.
it's driving me mad.
all through day and night.
seems like you never left me.

do you get lonely?
do you think of me?
i wonder if you want me as much.
probably not.
i wanna get lost in your rock and roll.
or your basketball.
whichever suits you better.

damn i'm falling sick.
and i believe it's psychological.
too much thinking
too much wishing.
ah the agony of it all.
yet the bugs refused to spare me.
how am i gonna get by tomorrow?
without you.

i feel really sorry for daryl.
his poor ipod got stolen.
must be feeling pretty bummed.
but dont starve, my dear.
it's not good.

as a consolation there won't be choir till after eois.
which is amazing.
a dream come true.
i have my apprehensions about choir
however i will only share them with my closer friends.
so i thank you chermaine for listening to me.

the feeling i get now that i dont see your face.
i'm trying to catch a break.
but i only think of you.
and it's breaking my heart.
i'm trying to keep it together
but it's falling apart.

sleep beckons.
pardon my blogging style.
it's the way i whine.
discreetly.
vaguely.
carefully.

...and isn't it strange how it resembles your actions.

stop sporting with me.

come back baby, please.
cause we belong together

you get me high`
7:22 AM

Tuesday, April 19

[dont funk with my heart]

quit playing games with me.
really.
i hate that you're doing this to me.
bringing me round in circles.
no one has really ever succeeded in doing that.
toying with my emotions.
sending out vibes.
yet i dont know what you're feeling.

cause youre just such a hard nut to crack

can't you be a bit more obvious.
a bit more explicit.
more transparent.
dammit.
i'm vexed.
trying to decipher your codes.
body language.
the stealing of glances.

i can't be just dreaming, can i.
maybe.
but no, there's something.
i know it. others can see it.
but yet is it there.
existent.
or just my own imagination.

we share something.
i just dont know what it is.
havent you heard chemistry can elute from the eyes.
don't poison me.

i'd do anything i can.
to let you taste your own medicine.
the frustration i'm facing, you can hardly imagine.
it was supposed to be jolly.
a good day was how it should end.
yet why did i feel steam.
rage. confusion.
an influx of every emotion.

leave me alone.
no.
dont.
just, save me the torture.
the excruciating pain i feel.
save it.
save me.

my aphrodisiac is you.
no one. but you.

you get me high`
9:24 AM

Sunday, April 17

[i am the only one to blame for this]

so it was a relatively great day yesterday. at least, i was smiling sweetly to myself by the end of the day. (: i hope i fell asleep with a smile too. whee. (: it's funny, the power of speech. actions. smiles. eyes. maybe it's the eyes that soften the look. maybe it's just everything that's done.

whatever it is, it's working. damn.

(*this section has been removed due to the relentless pleas of the person who is involved. please erase whatever that you have read earlier off your memory, for it is not true, and never will be. thank you very much.*)

i have to stop thinking, it's driving me crazy. it's like a minute-ly affair. (think 'daily'). having to face my greatest fear [no i dont mean it] twice in three days. that's madness. it's so splendid, it's almost scary. haha, i wonder who would get what i mean. words can hardly describe it. (:

but you know. i have to stop thinking. i just have to.

church yesterday was pretty fun. i love yz! i took another picture with mikh and it's so cute. my mum was suspicious why the pictuers i take with him are so nice. haha. i wanna upload it but i dont know how to! -.- blahhh. sas got gold with honours! and they getta perform for presentation night! that's band. fairfield's choir is top three too! dammit. speaking of which, i think rg's doing damn badly in syf. choir was gold without honours. which is really disappointing since we always at least reach the top grade. dance didn't get honours either. haiii. hope i getta go for the band's presentation night. acsi sas dunman. i heard dunman's splendid. acsi's got my friends. and josh is in sas! haha. my goodness have i mention how good josh is at the flute. ah it's remarkable. (: i love playing for worship with his flute. ((:

ah i'm in school and my mum's here so i'd better jet.
rs chem and everything's due!
so goodbye for now.
and i can't promise
when i'll blog again

can you find me, my love?

you get me high`
10:50 PM

Saturday, April 16

[beauty on the fire]

first up,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNALYN NG a.k.a LING2!

i know you say you dont like ___ _____ ___, but it's okay, i dont believe you. (: so all the best with him. and michael jacksonnn! [otherwise, jinquan. (:]

that fghhjkl; friendster ate up my testimonials for my friends! now i don't have time to go clicking and writing them out again. gahh. stupid.

so it's been pretty rough these days. the workload is immense. and it doesn't help that im always reminded that i'm somehow not allowed to be tardy or last minute. rarr. i hate it. rs. chem. all the essays. i can't write chinese essays for nuts. not to mention the descriptive ones. okay fine, so i figure i can only write narratives decently. but that's just how some people work! bleah.

haha it's interesting how i can keep staring at a bad picture of you. it's... such a bad picture. hope it doesn't tarnish my impression when i see you. haha.

IT'S SUNDAY TOMORROW! and its going to be a good day, i dont care. church. then pool with ling. then tuition. it IS going to be a great day. and i'm going to see people who make me happy. (: so IT BETTER BE A GOOD DAY.

humph.

and i can't believe i forgot ryan was leaving yesterday! oh my word that person didn't even tell me before he left. now i wonder when i'll getta see him again. i only saw him once this time around! gah.

why does my heart cry
feelings i can't hide

you get me high`
5:56 AM

Thursday, April 14

[feels like it hasnt been that long]

what a terrible day it's been.

i'm in the most horrid of moods

and you, of all people, had to add fuel to the already flaming furnace.

now i don't even have the mood to start on the presentations.

ugh.

dammit why do i keep thinking of you.
go away go away.
don't plague my mind. don't occupy my senses.
don't take over me.
go away go away.

i guess no one understands.

still on my brain

you get me high`
8:07 AM

Wednesday, April 13

gahh i can't believe i closed my blogging window. and i typed so much out! dahh.

Lord i've been around the world
singin' near and far
people runnin game all over
judging me before we meet
when they see me on the street
and they don't know a damn thing about me
it's a world of jealousy, deceit and envy
seems like everybody's trying to take something for me
grandma made me understand material things don't make the man
so i found that inner wealth and learned to love myself
lately it's so hard to find a peace of mind
i just got to get away
from the haters and the instigators
there's backstabbers, and money-grabbers
users and abusers
and they all wear smiling faces

i will attempt to blog again tomorrow.

you get me high`
8:02 AM

[truly madly deeply]

darn. school started again. i was enjoying my monday and tuesday off.

i forgot to mention about sports fest in detail. must have been too wonky the other day. ha i honestly didn't get the cheerleaders! what in the world happened to hadley! not that i was expecting a lot, but hadley's usually one of the best. guess confidence exceeded their ability. tarbet was good though, strangely. very coordinated, very neat. and that's one of the most important factors in cheerleading i suppose. shrugs, i wouldnt know. not a cheerleader. nv will be one.

hmm where should i start. tuition yesterday? differentiation was driving me nuts! at least the first part was, what limits what rubbish. and i was so flustered i really didn't get it at first. so i was bothering all the people around me. okay that would only make david and tristan. cause glen was too far. heh. well at least i had tristan who was so amazingly free yesterday (why huh), who guided me through my work, while mdm ong taught david his stuff. whee it was fun, and i was very irritating. haha i feel bad, cause i think i was a terrible nuisance. i made tristan eat my green bean thing. (no i hadnt touched it, so don't worry) but yeah. i was, well, high on math. so i have to be forgiven. but i feel bad cause i don't know david well and i was probably very disturbing. haha. dumdum. tuition on sunday again?

school today was tiring! i know wednesday's a slack day, but i slept so late last night cause i was on the phone with jess. heh. but at least pe was fun. alina wee's so much better than that chee. at least we got to play some stuff. floorball seems fun, other than the fact that it's quite hard to control the stick and to hit the holey ball. haha. ah but the sun was piercing. then blahblah philo. philo of art. somehow i dont like the sound of the topic. too debatable, it's disturbing. art. so general. mm then math. I COULD DO THE QUESTIONS! haha. flatter me! okay rubbish.

anyway i was too tired to go home myself! plus it wasn't safe, lest i get hit by a truck and everyone rejoices. (: okay i will stop talking about dying. so mum came. got home and SLEPT. but being me, i overslept, AGAIN! -.- got up damn late. haha. so i went to try do my jianbao, but evidently in vain. so i tried to study tingxie, but i realised i forgot to bring back my textbook. wahhh sheesh. so i just did chinese revision. which reminds me i should start studying physics, i really dont get magnetism.

hmm i shall go sleep. i've got more stuff to say tmr. :|

i dont need to impress

you get me high`
7:02 AM

Monday, April 11

[angels are falling from your skies]

have you guys seen those colourful cows that i dont know who have been putting on the green grass patches around the country? it's HELL funny. i can't believe they resorted to something like that, cause we have no cows and they don't want our grass fields to look empty. now altogether, HAHAHA. the funniest thing is that the slopes are always smooth, so some cows are bending forward more than the others. HAHA. and they're PURPLE AND PINK. oh my word i can't stop laughing every time i see them. hahaha.

sign language course in the morning! super fun! fingerspelling. heh. (: i really dont know what else to say. just that it was funfunfun! then abby sj and i had lunch at subway, and were later joined by nikki and zx.

sports fest! somehow one that left me crazy and high. fine cause cha junting sj and i were going mad behind. singing stupid songs. up to my crazy antics again, i must say. stupid jokes we crack that leave us laughing till tears well up. taking the stupidest pictures. screaming for the sake of screaming. so we were all crazy and fingerspelling like mad. hahaha. okay i should go sleep. i'm going crazy.

oh dear sanity, where art thou.

my lullaby hung out to dry

you get me high`
7:24 AM

Sunday, April 10

[could i be lost forever]

it's weird how the tears flow so easily nowadays.

anyways thanks to the people who've been here this whole week. letting me vent my anger, my stress. flooding their inbox with issues that are irrelevant to them, yet patiently talking me to my sense. letting me know that they understand my frustrations. i couldn't have got by this week without y'all.

so thank you.

limitation scars

you get me high`
8:03 AM

Saturday, April 9

[someone who sees like an angel]

man, what a hectic week it's been. and it's finally saturday. all my brain juices must have been squeezed and wringed out over the course of this week. and what do we blame it on. social studies. lucky for me i started doing most specific research work earlier, else i might not have had the chance to sleep the night before submission date, like poor jamie tan yunlin. surprisingly she seemed, well, okay. and thank goodness i kept going to the terrible-teacher-who-tells-people-different-things and making sure i know exactly what to do. and of course there's always my great brother who's a great help of helping me understand globalisation in a nutshell.

but unfortunately, my work is not done yet. there's still rs oral presentation, chem perf task, philo essay, then my round of tests. so if i dont want sleepless nights, i'd better start studying soon.

didn't go out the whole of the week, until friday, when i decided i needed a break. so whee jess and i went to watch samara. [i actually think samara's quite a nice name] i was wrong to think that it wouldn't haunt me, cause i found myself alone at home a while later, rushing my shower so i wouldn't have to stay in the washroom alone that has a mirror for too long. go watch it. you'll get what i mean.

then we went shopping. but the atmosphere wasn't right. people watching didn't go very well. we have concluded singapore is absolutely SHORT of eyecandies. it's not that we just realised, but they are so scarce it's like one in two million. oh this sad country. which kinda brings me to the point, i really wanna go to the u.s at the end of the year. that is, if mum has enough spare cash and a private exchange programme can be arranged in adam's school. that would be blast! imagine attending an american local high school. hopefully it'd work out and maybe lingling can come along. just imagine the eyecandies (since we were on that topic, haha)

had dinner with iwan! i have concluded i have a problem. i never know where to go eat. it's amazing how much time i can waste just figuring out where to eat. maybe i'm fussy, and i dont terribly like going to foodcourts where it's just mashed with people and you hardly have any personal space. poof. so most of the time i give up trying to think of a place, and skip my meals. but how can i do that with a friend. so anyway, thanks for deciding. ramen! it was spicy though the stupid menu didn't have the chilli next to the dish. blah. cheat my feelings. i could feel my tongue burn up with every portion i ate. fine, it's not all that spicy. but it IS spicy. and that's bad enough. but the food wasn't too bad. mmhmm.

and SOMEONE didn't msg me informing me about going to warren for bowling. i mean i knew it won't work out, but she evidently forgot to msg me though she said she would. to that SOMEONE. (: HURRY GO. THEN I CAN POOL WITH YOU AND WE'LL SEE WHO ROCKS.

and i thought what i felt was simple.

ugh it haunts me how someone plagues my mind so very often. it's not supposed to be like that! and it's so painful to know that next week might be one of the last times we'll be having regular meetings, and yet i'm but an acquiantance to you. how can this happen! so i spent a great deal of time trying to verbalise and substantiate my feelings, and much that i'm convinced there's no harm, infact it's almost understandable, that i'm feeling this way, i just done seem to want to allow myself. where can i seek my answers. damn.

lover's in love and the other's run away
lover is crying cause the other won't stay

went out with lenard to get deborah's present today. damn i'm good. haha, isn't the present nice? yeah it is. and it wasn't all that expensive, unlike the watch he got for her the last time. these sweet lovebirds are gonna end up marrying each other one day, and i'm gonna be at the front row of sanctuary feeling proud that lenard has been truly loyal to this girl, and it's so hard to find, yet one is standing right in front of me. i know i'm hardly making sense, and it might not happen. but it seems so real, so possible. (: so all the best, mate. haha. going out with lenard is good, cause he buys you minimelts icecream and a sprite from bk. plus you getta decide what to do, he hardly goes against you. but it's bad for me see, cause i'm wishywashy and i can't make up my mind.

tried to hunt for nick's present, but i realised i've gotten him almost every possible thing i could think of. from pullovers to caps, wallets to toys. everything. sorta decided on a mogu, and maybe that might work. but a small one costs freggin 26 bucks, like i'd rather get him something nicer and more worth the cash, even if it's more expensive. blah. i really dont know how to buy stuff for guys. it's so...hard.

i think that i'm throwing but i'm thrown

you get me high`
8:08 AM

Wednesday, April 6

wow. i've never been so stressed before.

i hardly studied for math during my free time. everything's... social studies.

it's driving me crazy.

it's driving everyone insane.

oh golly.

you get me high`
8:44 AM

Sunday, April 3

it's one of the days where i feel so unloved again.
where i feel so lonely, and there's no where i can rest my head.
where my tears flow but no one's there to catch them.

i dont wanna live in self denial, i dont wanna believe that someone out there cares for me.
cause right now, i feel like i'm cast away in jupiter,
all alone to fight for my survival.

...won't someone come visit me?

you get me high`
7:28 AM

[you are my securityyyyy]

ouch my arms hurt. my hamstrings hurt. all my muscles hurt. sometimes i wonder why i go for dance when i get picked at and also injure myself! tomorrow will be so bad. watch out for the limping girl! stupid pat, i know our attitudes clash. cause i know his pride since he is, afterall, the GREAT ONE in the dance circle, and he knows i've got an attitude to go along, and they CLASH. though i've been as subservient as i could the past few years, i doubt he'll ever get over the fact that "SOMEBODY A-TTI-TUDE ME AH". yes. anything. why can't there be a good nice well-temperament teacher who has pat's style! rarr. isn't the world just too fair. I MISS ROB! he rocks ma socks.

poof.

today! was a church-y day. okay i woke up to go to the 9am service at cityharvest! someone applaud me. though i was late and i missed my breakfast and poor cy had to wait for me but he should be quite used to it by now. then voila, i stepped in, and it took me awhile to absorb the surroundings. the sermon was...okay lar. better than the planetshakers one. blahblah. i just dont like the way they handle offerings. at least the rationale behind that. ladeedum. anyway i trotted off after the service to go back to trueway! yes i know i was an hour late, but nvm. better late than never! so i walked into the church to find that, eh, there's no one outside the yz room lingering around being rowdy. interesting, is there yz today? so i walked up and realised they were all actually in the room, LISTENING to the speaker! omg. that's almost a first. no one was dozing off, or doing stupid things. (okay other than the fact that druce and a few others were playing with forks. dont ask me) but the speaker was quite good! at least, quite casual, easy to relate to. and funny. talked about the potter's hand. how God tries over and over again to mould you, so sometimes when you dont let Him in to certain areas of your life, He's gotta start all over again. so open up, let Him make a vessel in you, so He can fill you up. (:

anyway! ryan came! and mikh was being funkay as usual. but he's not going for mission! so i hafta decide whether to go for the one in april or june. howhow. rarrr. stupid mikh. blah but nvm he still rocks. yayy they all think my phone's nice! haha. okay not ego at all.

okay i'm a bit tired of typing like that. doesn't this entry so far seem a bit, bimbo and superficial. shrugs. haha. maybe it's cause i'm half pissed half high and half in pain. so i shall stop. blah. (: good day y'all!

shite school tomorrow.

i'm spinning around

you get me high`
1:44 AM

Saturday, April 2

As I rest against this cold hard wall will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out
And start again?
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness; find the strength I’ve never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out
And start again?
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into His hands and turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance its there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out
And start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

you get me high`
7:13 AM

Friday, April 1

work it all out this lifetime

ah didn't get the time to update yesterday. well shall we start with wednesday.

school would've been the same, yeah. oh MOE changed their minds! argh the fickle people. now they have deprived me of my almost four months holiday, and i was planning to go travel europe! argh. evil people. too painful for them to see us having too long a break. then met jess at holland v for essential brews. lunch, in other words. and we headed down to watch the eye. boy was it a comedy. hardly scary, the 'ghosts' looked quite comical. what a disappointment. then we went shopping. oh havent i banned myself from shopping already. i really should. either that, or zara should close down and stop tempting me. mmhmm.

then met ivan at ny for dinner. haha guess there were the expected silences. i figured he wouldn't let me pay which explained my choice of food. (: haha. yeah then we cabbed down to the esplanade. a tad late, so we missed the first song. anyway i expected the acjc band to be better! and the conductor's horrible. apparently he's highprofile? interesting. but he couldn't even keep his beat right, kept rushing the band. ah well. the acsi items weren't too bad. acsbr okay too. man have i mentioned how irritating the emcee was. i mean, make up your mind which accent you wanna use. blah. well on the hold it wasn't too bad a night. quite a change for a school night. yup so thank you ivan. for dinner, the ride, and basically the company. (:

yesterdayy. school was long and draggy and hardly interesting. got back my chinese test. ahhh dammit. i dont know what's the use of studying so hard when i can never seem to do well. well i GUESS i improved a bit. but that slight bit doesn't count for the amount of work i put in! rarr. anyway after school stayed back to do a bit of work, then mum came to fetch me, and we had haagen! a bit too sweet for my liking, but enjoyable nonetheless. i dont think i'm making good use of these non-choir days. cause after syf it's back to prac isn't it. i shall go out more next week, hrmf. took a nap when i got home, and woke up a bit too late. again! did more work, and blah went to sleep. oh yeah. jessica's eliminated! wth! i think she isn't too bad!

and haha i overslept! by then time i woke up this morning, it was probably the third block in school already. not my fault! my mum set 0835 instead of 0635 by accident! nevermind lar, needed to catch up with my sleep. lest i fall sick, it won't be good.

so now i'm stoning at home waiting for cha to come over so we can do our stupid ss project. falalala.

love me for me

you get me high`
12:05 AM