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love,
kelly.
won't somebody tell me what to feel...
when tears fill your eyes
just look up
so the tears won't follow with gravity
and they'll mostly stay in your eyes
[and when it feels as if the end is drawing near]
like ivan said.
there're crests and there're troughs.
two days before was my crest.
but yesterday really dug damn low.
i dont know why i'm blogging it
cause it's not something i want people to know
not something i want you to know
and yet there's something in me
that really wished i could express
not just in my favourite stiped diary.
it's not that you don't care
i know you do
but the amount of concern is proportional to amount of love
i compromise so much
is also because you mean that much to me
and i hate to see you upset.
even more than you do for me.
i have no qualms nor complains.
it's just that...
it's just that i'm envious of rachel cause ivan loves her to death.
i'm envious of nikki cause kf is still missing her after breaking up for 7 months.
maybe you can infer what i'm trying to say
maybe you can't.
but it's okay.
cause i'm always expected to compromise.
just. expected to.
i just wished you'd love me like the way he does. i'm not comparing cause we're so much more real, but maybe if you did, i wouldn't be hurting so much
playing my game
[i'll be right by your side]
this entry's gonna be a very random one, as i'm superbly restless and jumpy today, and thus very evidently, my thoughts are also all over the place!
have i mentioned how much i loved to sing? it's so stress relieving! instead of ripping your hair, or punching your fist against the wall (nudgenudge a certain person), i just sing! it's the best medicine for frustration/depression/anger/angst. it's like playing tennis. cause you use up energy when you sing, well you're supposed to, at least. and it's just the best gift God has ever presented us. (:
i'm still in a state of disbelief. i can't believe what happened to ben ho. it was just a few weeks back. at the 6L gathering, where we were going on and on about how life used to be like with ben ho. all his really stupid antics, and how we cause him so much pain. haha. and his plight now. first overjoyed that he won 4D. then, his flat mate got jealous. just like that, bang! he's murdered. what is this world coming to. why is murder becoming so common amongst us? isn't it so clear that second coming is going to be soon. haha. and it serves as such a reminder for us to appreciate things and people around us now. cause you never know what tomorrow might bring.
and in view of that, i haven't done shoutouts in ages. like years. so here goes. (wahh there was a link!! not so random afterall!)
i thank...
jess! for sticking by me through thick and thin. for always calling even though i don't return the calls so often...due to unforeseen circumstances. for always being just a phone call away. (literally, cause you're home quite a bit) for always being able to understand what i'm trying to express, even though its done so in bits and jumbles. for buying me lollis and all whenever i need cheering up. or encouragement. and just for being the best shopping/zara partner! ((:
ivan! for being one of the easiest people to talk to. always being cool and innovative (think, trishaws). congratulations on your part btw. i didn't say this earlier on the phone, cause i thought it'd be weird, but really, you ARE one of my best friends if you haven't realised. unfortunately i dont have a top5. haha. for being one of the people who actually give advices. and always being with me through my walk with my baby. and just being the creative, influencing person you are. (: but try to be gentle with her okay? hahaha.
kate! my bestbest friend! it's strange how it's only during this time that i getta see you most. it's usually the opposite. but we're all united because of... NUS! haha. ((: laughing together, singing the same song at the same time, doing work, talking, suntanning, swimming, playing tennis. and just doing the best friend thing! it really breaks my heart that you're going to NZ, but i guess NZ's nearer than wales! that's the only comfort. but oh well. no matter how our locations differ, even if we're on opposite sides of the universe, we'll still be best friends, eh? 12 years is a long time. but hey it's gonna continue increasing. cheers dude mun!
baby! okay you're probably quite cheezed that youre like...4th. but that's cause you haven't stuck with me for as long as the other three has. but nevertheless your footprint's still imprinted, and you have made such a difference in my life! it's always what you do that makes me smile. leaving me cute voicemails, folding me hearts every time you don't see me for awhile, being my portable chair, and most importantly, being the supplier of my much needed hugs. (: fourth month's coming to a close! 29/30 left! must persevere okay? study hard k! then we can spend time without feeling worried about schoolwork. ((: yayy lovelove.
okay time is limited. i know i've missed out quite a few. but oh well. briefly, thanks to yuan and derek! derek for being my mature mind, guiding me through with advices that make sense. yuan for being the sweet natured friend always by my side. hmm. thanks to iwan! who's forever concerned about my schoolwork and my life. and being a great friend to me! xiaoyu! my little fish! who's a constant little supporter for the past year. and my letter partner. ((:
there're so many people who i wish i didn't drift from. shaun. glenn. garry. gerald. john. sigh. but i guess it's nature's way.
whee.
interestingly, check out the ratio between the guys and girls. hmm.
the shower beckons. better run. (:
You are my all in all
BLOODY HELL.
i wrote such a long and beautiful entry.
appreciating everyone around me.
and blogger deleted it.
IT DELETED IT.
oh SCREW YOU.
rahh.
just pray i'll be as jumpy as i am now tomorrow.
lest you won't get to read that beautiful entry
with all your names in it.
oh damn you blogger.
DAMN YOU.
[oh happy dayss]
down with a flu
and dying with a cough.
what could get worse.
my books are all in place
though i really wanna study
i just dont have the ability to
one whole stack of work
staring in my face
it's as though they're screaming
READ ME READ ME!
so here i am
holding up a book
attempting to do as i was told
but damn the cough
it's tiring
and it instigates my flu
i grab my book
wanting to fling it down the stairs
but mercy it screams
mercy.
so i place the book down
and head to my bed
and off to dreamland i go
dreamland's paradise
or so it should be
but no!
everything's screaming READ ME!
okay hahaha i'm going mad.
evidently i really need to study.
byebye!
and i'm sick
so shoot some love!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABYYY!
wheee!
now you're legal! hahahaha.
hope you're having fun in school
and being showered by manymany presents!
(((:
wheee!
[beneath those empty skies]
when satan mocks
and friends turn to foes
it feels like everything is out to make me
lost control
greetings earthh.
the mugging for the final chinese paper has begun
and i'm dreading it
haven't felt like blogging in awhile
and now isn't an exception
thus the weird random entry
monday was sick at home. had a two day mc
but still went to school the next day
was presented with a very pleasant surprise
someone dropped by!
no prizes of guessing the correct person.
tuesday was lunch/tea out with jess and iwan
sorry to have made you travel so far
hope you had fun
wednesday was the long day in school.
came home early today due to me coughing like a mad hyena
the worst thing is
the danish chocolates arrives today
and in the state i'm in
i am in no position for truffles
oh screw it
really dont feel like going to school tomorrow
but i missed adv english today
really gotta go
plus we're watching my fair lady
we'll see how things go.
yuan's birthday a few days back.
happyhappy birthday!
hope you had fun amidst your stressful-no-communication lifestyle!
thanks for being so great.
and derek you better had done something nice for him.
and stopped scolding him for once.
a keeper of starlight*
[to my dearest brother]
my apologies for being ignorant
self centred
and for holding expectations and moulds that i wanted you to fill
amidst my cold words and complaints about you
and how i label you as just a shadow in my life
i only say that cause i get cheezed that you're so unfeeling
so cold
so distant
but i know we all have our own ways of showing concern for others
your way and my way just doesn't coincide
but nevertheless i shouldn't have made an issue out of that
cause God made everyone differently
i conveniently forgot all the things you've done for me
all the times you were there to teach me
to help me with my work
not every sister gets the privilege to have a brother like that
so intelligent
and so giving
all the times you let me go sort out my thoughts
though it seemed more like nonchalence to me
you just wanted me to mature
to work through things myself
unlike others who just have to poke their heads in
you have your way
and again i thank you for doing that
i have to admit
i might find it annoying if you kept poking into my business
though sometimes
showing it might help
so to everyone who i've complained to
and the things that i've said about him
bear in mind that it was out of frustration
and i never meant what i said
cause deep deep down i know what my brother means to me
and it'd never change
how i used to call him
the best brother in the world
that still holds.
and it always will.
you get me high` 10:05 PM
this is way i am
and this is what i do
just finished watching love actually.
love. actually. is all around.
probably one of my favorite shows of all time. its so sweet. so funny.
just a joy to wish.
how i wish things with us would be like that.
so smooth so perfect.
today started off good. then it got worse.
pat's dance was quite fun as usual,
though i earned myself a big bruise on each knee (as usual),
albeit the kneeguard
which i brought!
and actually used it!
hallelujah to the highest.
then it was randolf's class
everything was really high at first
but after awhile when you REALLY can't get his groove
cause we don't live in the downtown east area in L.A
as he probably does
you get frustrated
and tired
very tired
and you just wanna go home
so i didn't go for the second class
i just couldn't take it
then it was dinner at my aunt's place
supposed to meet my cousin's bf
who is british, and i'm sure kate's jealous
haha
he's quite nice.
then i heard the worst news of the century
i'm not saying im the least busybody person around here
but
did they all have to do that?
pass the msg?
what if it turned out to be a broken telephone game
and things got twisted
i just dont want them to know, you know?
the older generation may not be the most understanding one
it's just not something i want
or something i'm prepared for.
it's not.
really...
it isn't...
not at all..
sigh.
thank you for letting me know that i can trust in you
[you make me feel]
hello! finally i'm free from the grasps of piano! though i really doubt i'll do well, i really pray i do. so to all you readers out there, help me pray too k? (:
options have started, and they're not as bad as i thought they'd be. my course are quite interesting, my timetable works out quite well (as compared to manymany others), and basically i'm enjoying myself quite a bit. i mean, we hardly have work, i've been happily indulging in my vcds and tv. (:
this weekend's gonna be fun i hope.
i'm blogging in school now and i think i'll just finish up my work, then go home and blog properly. but damn i'm gonna be home so late today. bleah.
mummy's coming back on saturday!
till two hearts beat together
[and i stand at this dead end]
i promise to be a good girl, to study very hard. to be filial and respectful, not to gossip and bitch.
i promise to be a better person, a better musician, and i'll use the gifts that i was blessed with to praise my Maker.
just...let me do well for my piano exam tomorrow.
i'm so freaked out that my palms are all getting sweaty and my fingers are getting weak. i can just picture myself shaking in front of the examiner, and that isolated room with just the two of us. judging me, laughing at me, just trying to make life difficult for me. truth be told i think i play okay by myself. you know, like at home, or at my teacher's place. but not in that cold and heartless room, with no one to lean on.
i just pray, Father, that You help me through this. i've put everything unto Your hands, and may everything be in Your time. but i pray You grant me my heart's desires, You calm my soul and spirit so that i will not screw up because i dont have the ability to play well, but instead because of my cowardice. i pray that the examiner would be kind and gracious, to understand that we are all nervous and freaked out, and that he would be lenient. i thank You for everyone who has been praying for me and even taking time out to bring me there as mummy's not in town. i pray You help me remember my facts, help me to hear the chords and cadences, and for once, be able to score. i put this all in Your hands, acknowledging that You know what's best for me.
Amen.
dance with me
oh bummer. carnival on saturday...
from 9am-9pm
which means
no audition
no performance
no dinner with da and his friends...
damn it.
i wanna perform.
and i dont wanna go for piano exammmmmm...
[more than words]
i really dont know what to expect for term four. my exams this time, they weren't the worst, but i dare not say the best, despite the tremendous amount of work i put in. i vaguely remember screwing up my best subjects, and actually knowing how to do my worst. isn't life so strange. and despite the reallyvery hard work i put in for chinese, im just hoping for a pass, cause chinese today was such a terror. and of course i hope my essay pulls me up as usual.
as for options, it just makes this term seem so tiring. the time we spend in school seems endless, knowing that school ends around 4plus 5plus. i never knew the purpose of options but i thought it'd be fun, but little did i know the amount of time we have to commit. some courses are even on saturday, really, doesn't anyone listen to our prime minister? whatever happened to the five day work week? gone, perhaps. cause we singaporeans tend not to like the word 'rest' very much. and strangely enough, it's the adults who're actually implementing the practice and not the schools.
i went to church on sunday with a very heavy heart. burdened and despaired. of school work, piano commitments, quite a truckload of depression, and so on. so i sat out when they wanted us to plan a skit, and went to the next room. alone. quiet. in that desolate room. i just sat down and prayed. and just committed everything unto Him. and that helped. i left that lonely room feeling whole again.
then i went for dance! and all was well.
am interested in this randolf winston audtion, where if i get picked, out of the 8 dancers he's choosing, i getta perform with him at the suntec dance finals! AH. so cool! just that he does a lot of old school, and i don't terribly like it. ah well. aching like mad now, dance was like madness, but a whole bucket of fun.
that's why i'm gonna leave my options, my chinese, my results in general, all to the big Guy up there. (: i know my thoughts are very jumbled, but oh well.
still not very used to the idea of waking up at 630 again. but since i only have to play my piano and it would be a few days till i embark on my neverending journey with chinese, i shall indulge in my very intriguing korean vcd that is just absolutely a joy to watch. to look at too, considering my favourite korean guy is in there! i only like one thing abt korean shows, that i get to see him! haha. but it isn't as though he's that popular, so there aren't many shows with him in it. haha. a typical girl's rant. ladeedum.
i wanna see youuuuu.
humph.
it's been so long and i'm lost without you
thank you for your act of kindness
your act of grace
something that you should probably have kept secret
but thank you anyway
like your sis said
i'm not going anywhere for the next two weeks
so just concentrate on your studies
and just make sure you stay too
haha
i would've said that everyone likes it when i cry
but i won't.
cause you said so otherwise.
i can only say that i'm always laughing
and i'm always crying
as ironic as it sounds.
i don't want consoling me to be an usual activity of yours
plus i'm so tired from all the tears
so it was a bad day yesterday.
but for every bad day
there comes an equally brilliant day
haha who did i learn that from huh.
so thank you baby for being there last night
for reassuring me that you're always there
it really put a smile deep within me somewhere
and it was thinking of you that helped calm me down
and being able to fall asleep
i promise things will be the same
i really will
thank you for not giving up on me
i'm back
back for good
and i'm not going anywhere.
i love you so much
that much i know is true
It's never easy and you never know
What leaves you crying
And what makes you whole
There ain't no way that I can hold it down
Fallin' to pieces
Forever in doubt
There ain't nobody who can show you how
To find the surface when you're underground
There ain't no blanket that can hide this cold
There ain't no memory
That ever gets old
"Cause it's gonna be alright"
Why don't you tell me again
How you'll still be there
When the heartache ends
Say you'll be with me
When the heartache ends
[show me the right way]
6L gathering last night. honestly, i miss those faces. though many have changed in their physical appearance, and i'm very sure internally too, they were still such a special class. twas nice to see xue and yumin again. people who i used to talk to quite a bit, but because different schools separated us, i hardly see them around. michelle whom i've never been really close to, but it astonishes me to see how much she's changed. we all couldn't recognise her, haha. then the guys, jinquan being as cynical as he's always been, yonglin being as un-guy as ever, changqing still quiet, eesin still quite a gentlemen, and so has become of xingqun and carl too. it's quite funny. haha. and i'm glad i managed to catch up with nigel a bit. he's always been one of the greatest guys around. though i dont talk to him that much, he's always been a great friend, and screw the girls who play with his feelings cause he deserves much better. at least he looks happier now, then i'm at ease.
did i mention how yumin was getting really high cause she wanted to try the dry sherry. so she kept drinking and drinking which resulted in a lot of laughter coming from her. haha it was quite funny seeing her get high.
i think the class is such a trademark. and everyone's doing so well now. nigel's some zai bowler right? ike's some really big time violinist. he's somewhere in the world now performing. yongtaufoo doing very well at the debate floor, nick an ace swimmer. and so many more. so so many. it's so cool. i just hope nigel and xue comes to rj next year. i dont know why but i really wanna see them there.
i think i'm recovering. but yet i'm not sure. things still plague me, i still sit in fear sometimes. maybe i just need a little bit more time. some things that people said to me all make so much sense. they're all so true. but if i were to adopt their thinking, then...
sometimes i wish you had a blog. or i knew your friends better. cause i find myself doing guess work all the time. i don't know when something goes wrong, cause you still say i love you. just like the last time. i wish that i could find out through other sources that all you say is true, and that you're truly being genuine. its not that i dont appreciate everything you say and do, nor do i doubt them. but i've been proven wrong once, and i dont wanna fall into the same situation again. i dont know. just been feeling rather lost. rather confused.
i guess like any budding plant that still needs so much tlc and protection, i'm not an exception.
like i said, just hold on to me baby. and don't let go. i'll be back, i promised you.
but thanks to everyone around me. for lending me a shoulder to cry on. or just a listening ear for me to rant my thoughts. for showing me the concern i need when times were rough.
i'm in a super nostalgic mood, so do pardon me.
barefeet tickled by the powdery sand
pressing footsteps along the shore
[true to your heart]
open your eyes
your heart can tell you no lies
and when you're true to your heart
i know it's gonna lead you straight to me
i've cried my tears dry
so don't worry i'll stop crying
my heart has seized its aching too
it's just gonna need some time to recover
i dont know how long it'd take
but i'll try to smile soon
but meanwhile
dont let this get you down
and give you the wrong impression
hold on tight
don't give up on me
don't give up on us
cause you must know i never will
if you dont want me to doubt
or to perceive everything as being fake
then just be genuine throughout
whether good or bad
sunshine or rain
don't deceive me
if the feelings arent there
then they aren't there
but if they are
i pray you hold on to them
for as long as you can
this is all i ask
i dont want us to crumble
and i know what to do
i know what i did wrong this time
not to you
but to Someone else
and i will recitfy it
and all will be better
you promised me eternity
and that's what i'm getting
we still have 39/40 of the way to go
so don't let go of my hand now
i can't complete this journey without you
we will make this better
this i promise you
i am still there with you
everywhere you go
like a shadow that never leaves your side
so don't be disheartened
i'm sorry i almost let go
i almost let go of us
it would have been the biggest mistake ever
i just need some time now
to mend the wounds properly
so they won't burn so easily next time
i need you to be the one who dries my tears forever
like taking baby steps
i'm learning to smile again
if he truly loved me
i'd be his holiday.
really,
i'm not bomb shelter.
so stop dropping bombs at me.
i'm so tired
tired of running after you
cause you keep running away from me
when i dont even know
if i should be running this marathon
tired of getting hurt
and having the wound mended
over
and over
and over again.
it's like when i stayed up deliberately just to wait for your call
but it never came
in the same way
is this all a doing on my part?
a one sided willing party?
but
i just love you.
and only you.
i've tried to be the best i can ever be
within my abilities
what more do you want?
you get me high` 10:47 AM
[the chokin' kind]
the penguin show was cute. but really, a total bore. i dont have a habit of sleeping in cinemas, i just can't. but i was yawning so incessantly, i must have cried with all the tears that were the byproduct of yawning.
this is about how deprived i am.
i actually felt rather excited about shopping with jess today. in town. something's really wrong. people who know me would know i kinda dislike town, and i detest singapore for it's pathetic size that can only have one hotspot. that isn't even hot, it's warm, almost cold. pepper lunch at taka! woohoo i love it. it's quite nice. (: heh. i'm a bit happyhappyhigh today. unlike yesterday. yesterday was just a sad lonely dark dull day. humph. ): anyways! shopping! shoes bags clothes! everything a girl wants! of course we're not spared the attitude salegirls who disgust me with their working attitude, and weird guys stoning at corners looking blankly at everyone. town truly has such strange characteristics, has anyone noticed?
fell in love with so many things today, but how can i ever get everything. the esprit bag, zara jeans, iS dress, u.r.s shoes. anyone wants to get them for me? pretty pretty please?
boohoo. i'm sorry if i seem sticky and almost clingy these past few days. it's a phase i'll get by. i miss you so much i could just cry. oh wait i did. i know i see you like almost every day. but still. it's a phase and it'd pass. so heh, bear with me. it's just that the world doesn't seem to spin when i dont have your arms around me. ladeedum. okay better get back to my books! whee.
see my baby, he's alright
me and my baby, we're so tight
dont you know he is
some kinda wonderful
[we've got tonight, who needs tomorrow]
no i won't forget this evening
or your face as you were leaving
the heavenly moments spent out with you tonight
would be imprinted deep in my heart
the cosy restaurant with the delicious food
and company far greater than anything in the world
seeing you glow under the candle light
walking with you hand in hand
we could almost walk to the ends of the earth
the things we do that are so similar
that it even takes us aback
the magical feelings on the bridge
it was, again, our moment
when time stopped just for the two of us
wrapping your arms around me
as i find my heaven in dreamland
the warmth that you provide
is something i wouldn't trade for anything
times in the park where we just held each other close
never letting go
looking into your eyes
i know it's just heaven in disguise
somewhere that i'll belong to forever
it's like a refuge that i found
from the ugly world around me
the only thing that sets me free
it was then i realised
that God sent me an angel
to be my light when i'm lost in darkness
i know i always say thank you
but i'll say it again
for that's the only word that can express
my deepest gratitude
for your love, warmth, and affection
dream a little dream of me
_________________________________
that's good. now i can delete that paragraph.
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
there. sums up everything i wanted to say to you.
ilu. happy third month!
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