all that jazz'

Thursday, October 27

when grey clouds roll over my head
you become the sunshine that tears them apart
when life is dull and lonely
your voice is like music to my ears
each day with you is almost like heaven
and its you who keep the smile on my face

thank youu for today
it felt so good to feel so loved
(:

you really made my dayyy!

*gleams*

you get me high`
8:50 AM

Tuesday, October 25

alright.
i dont have much to blog about anyway.
so i shall just post pictures.

my cousin and i photowhoring. (:

and somemore...

cha and i at netball carn!

junting cha and i. [somehow im not cutoff in any photo. hmm]

kate and i! ((: going mad in the club.

sorry derek, i know you aren't the most pleased that i deleted your note on my gbook, but i really dont want things to get stirred up k? it's been really tiring for me and everyone else, so your note wasn't really gonna help brighten things up. sorry. i know you just meant well.

bedtime!

you get me high`
8:04 AM

Sunday, October 23

[so tired of the straight line]

been feeling so drained lately
staring at the stack of chinese work
makes me wanna throw up
thinking of what awaits me everytime i get home-chinese
i get a really bad headache
knowing that after options, my only lessons are chinese lessons
i feel suicidal

i just need a break
i need oxygen
i need painkillers
i need fun
i need laughter
i need joy
i need faith
i need dada!!

but it's not as though he's having a very great time himself

anywayyy.
i shall start blogging about something else.
hmmm. been going to gleneaglges to see auntie ann.
sigh.
ohh ohh and dance yesterday was turbo fun
and of course SUPER TIRING. i could have just died on the spot.
whee baby came down to watch! for.. ten minutes! ((:
happyhappy.
sorry for making you travel a wasted trip.
ladeeedum.

okay i'd better get back to my chinesee.
bleagh.

you get me high`
8:10 AM

Saturday, October 22

[could you hold me for a lifetime]

despite all we've gone through
spending time with you is almost what i live for
amidst our fights our bad days our insecurities
being with you brightens up the entire day
even if it were just for a few hours or so
you put the smile on my face
and you keep it there
it won't matter if the whole world were to be mad at me
if mummy were being unreasonable
if my friends were being horrible
as long as you were holding my hand
and reassuring me that tomorrow would be a better day
i'm trying to be the perfect girlfriend
so dont hold it against me if i fail
or even if i'm too critical of myself
teach me to have faith in you
and to know that the end isn't near
cause i haven't spent enough time with you
i haven't had enough memories
my hands fit into yours perfectly
so don't let go
and you know i won't too

i just want all my days spent being next to you

you get me high`
7:14 AM

Thursday, October 20

[my heart's in a fraze]

matriculation tomorrow.
after talking to sooo many people.
i think i've decided.
chem bio math KI
guess the only reason why i'm taking bio instead of physics (other than my hate for physics), it's caused we've touched like half of the H2 bio syllabus.
and i can't believe i'm dropping lit
omg
i'm dropping lit
i still need awhile to absorb that.
i'll probably take it in the university.
but still.
i'm dropping lit.
mann.

why does EVERYONE seem to remind me that
JC IS A CO-ED SCHOOL!
like i dont have enough frustrations already
and now you have to add to my insecurity.
sigh.
perhaps i'm just worrying too much
but if you let go of me for someone else
i guess i need to find someone who cherishes me more
sigh.
but of course this is just a hypothesis
i know it's kinda silly of me to be disturbed by this
it might not happen
i'm just preparing myself for the worst.

i just dont understand
why things have to be like that

you get me high`
7:52 AM

Wednesday, October 19

everyone falters once in awhile
and it's always good to have a good cry sometimes
but that doesn't mean that anything has changed
in fact things are better now
cause now i know you're always here
if i were doubtful of that
i wouldn't dare to breakdown
i wouldn't dare to cry
cause my pillar of strength isn't secured
so be strong if you wanna tide me through this
nothing's changed
i'm just going through a rough time
so baby dont give up on me k?

you get me high`
6:50 AM

Monday, October 17

[geek in pink]

hellooo. (:
i'm really
really
really
really
really
sick of studying chinese.

somebody save meeee.
and math is giving me headaches! for the first time in my life! i hate vectors. i seem to ALWAYS make careless mistakes, it's so infuriating!

grr.

people are getting on my nerves. i dont know why im so worked up these days, and annoyed. i dont have the mood to reply most people. so, sorry if anyone of you happen to fall under that category. it's the exam nerves. and frustration. yeah you get the picture. too many things have been clogging up my poor congested brain. causing me endless headaches and heartburns. but nevertheless. i promise i'll be back! to reply your msgs. and dont hate me if i dont reply you on msn, most of the time, i'm not there. haha.

i'm depressed. i can't find so many of my cds. from my jason mraz to jay chou. ): i know they're all cds that used to be in the car, but after i changed them, i dont recall where i put them. ): humph. i can't live without my jason mraz! ): speaking of songs, i think i learn quite a bit from jason mraz's songs. haha. i dont know why, they speak of a lot of logic. other than the songs on fastfood and all. haha.

rah okay i'd better get going back to my work. damn it.

he said you shouldn't mumble when you speak
but keep your tongue up in your cheek
and if you stumble on to something better
remember that it's humble that you seek

you get me high`
7:34 AM

Thursday, October 13

[shy the way]

been studying, haven't i?

dance was rather aweeeesome yesterday. (: just something abt it that intrigues me. very very much. to be able to dance completes the world. (: i am dying to go for hope street reconstructed. but it's bloody 30 bucks for members, and 38 for non-members. what a bloody ripoff lar. we all know its gonna be pretty hot. but still it's bloody ex. even if i was gonna go, who's gonna go with me? and pay 38 bucks for a rather good dance show? i guess it's also cause i went for hopestreet1, and really enjoyed it. but still...

the year's ending! we were just briefed on our after options schedule. and it sure was slack. (: actually i dont know if i'm happy or sad. i know everyone leaves behind some feelings whenever they leave, but i dont want it to be another case of 6L. you know? the feeling wouldf just suck.

anyway i'd better head back to my work, or maybe sleep. (: rest is good. (:

everything burns

you get me high`
8:23 AM

Monday, October 10

[it is my time to make the most of it]

i feel useless.
stupid.
terribly stupid.

i dont think i deserve to be on the face of this planet.

sigh. i ask myself, so what if you passed your chinese. everyone around you wouldn't rejoice at the type of marks you get. why are you rejoicing. idiot.

i shall be random as a facade to my insecurities and displeasure with myself.

have i mentioned that josh and i have been wearing the exact same colours for the last three times i've seen him? hahaha it's really funny. (: first it was white and beige, red and denim, lastly black and green. and they're all about the same shade. haha.

i met derek on the way back just now! when i was with mummy. so nice to see him, havent met him for so long. (: someone looking so suave in the rj uniform, too bad i wont be there to see you next year. whee so you better take care of youself, and not die any time soon, cause you promised me days out with yuan and yourself after your As. okay? ((: wheee i saw derekkk.

i want to play pool. but there's only one person i like playing pool with. but i can't anymore. i dont want to. things between us are over. i hate it when people hold me with their heads and not their hearts. as though i'm an object that they have to THINK of their concern for me. yet i know that person doesn't care. things are over. my heart hurts like hell. i wish i could scream and cry at you. but i can't. you won't even meet me. i dont think you would.

but God kept true friends next to me. and i just have to move on, and appreciate those around me. so to everyone who holds me true to them, i thank you. cheers.

and to you.
you understand me
embrace my fragility
you keep me safe in a crazy world
cause when i'm wrapped up in your arms
nothing else can touch me
what a wonderful way to recharge
i feel like i can breathe again

unwell

you get me high`
6:58 AM

Sunday, October 9

question: "really? you like girls who are loud? i thought guys nowadays all like girls who are weak and subservient!"
answer: "oh those are the guys who are looking for slaves"

hahaha. aint it true. so very true. quote from jon. (:

dance today. was terrible cause i didn't getta do my second class due to terrible cramps. it's hard to be a girl, isn't it? (: but i kinda regret not going for salsa cause when i stayed to watch, it looked so damn fun. and i think this time there were more guys than girls, strangely, so all girls could get a partner. but oh welll, doesn't matter. i'm still on a look out for some guy to go learn salsa with me, and hopefully jess. any takers? ((: i won't bite!

clarke/boat quay's a nice place to have a walk. it beats town hands down. (: but of course, it might have only been such cause i was there with the best person.

i think i shall go watch corpse bride tomorrow. really wanna watch that show. hmm.

i love my church friends. (: its weird how i've gotten so much to josh, something i would have never thought would happen in my entire lifetime. it used to be, omg josh is so bloody irritating, just get outta my sight. in fact it was such for all of them- mikh josh druce. bj's always been fine. then slowly druce got better. mikh got better. then finally josh. and now it feels weird when i dont see mikh and josh in church. and lance joined the gang. (: so to mikh, who doesn't read my blog, i'll smile! ((:

back to math/chinese/greek! (:

i wanna go home to your arms

you get me high`
6:52 AM

Friday, October 7

[a vain attempt to leave a testament]

oh yippeedoodahhh!! i didn't fail my chinesee! *jumps around*

jump
jump
jump!

((:

i mean i didn't do fantastically well, in fact not very well at all, BUT I DIDN"T FAIL! thank the Lord! ((: and because i was delighted, i had quite a rewarding day studying chinese, and i am beginning to remember things! as in, the words are becoming instilled in my head. ITS BECOMING PART OF MEE! whee! hahaha. am i high, or what.

and i've come to realise that i love my options quite a bit. esp now that i'm done with know your body with ms neo. are you speaking english is probably one of the most interesting courses ever! the awareness you gain of language is evident, and it's like you're meticulous when you speak cause you don't wanna sound as though you've never been to that course before! saying what you mean is relatively fun, but i just dont like the book 1984. it really puts me to sleep, i can't get pass the first chapter. rahh. speaking of which, i'd better go start reading it again soon. leadership in citizenship is way cool! i mean things you learn, like characteristics of a leader, is more realistic than you'll ever imagine! i mean, just imagine your handouts tell you that to be a leader, deception is crucial. and then they elaborate. it's just absolutely fresh!

see i told you i'm high.

i'm gonna be doing something really weird tomorrow. i'm going to the cjc open house! hahahaha. as though i'm considering it as one of my options. ah well, just treat it as spending time with da, and also to see friends there. hmm like jay? (:

just can't wait for sunday. salsa hiphop, and salsa. salsa hiphop, has anyone ever heard of something so cool. a funkier form of salsa. it's not enough that salsa is already so cool by itself, but having salsa hiphop is just way awesome. it's just unfortunate that i've gotta skip hiphop itself for salsa hiphop. nevermind, i've got jazz on wednesday. i love how i get to have so many classes a week, cause options is the best thing rgs has ever done. even all the teachers are so glad to see the sec fours so relaxed. whee. mr chang rocks.

i wanna danceee!

oh oh better go play my violin at read 1984.

ta!

you get me high`
7:49 AM

Thursday, October 6

[youre just so scared to lose]

hello world.
these days have been... well, okay. results are almost all back. left with the dreaded chinese tmr. should i jump off a building, and might as well end my misery first?

good idea eh.

okay i guess my results haven't been too hideous. except for maybe socialstudies, but i expected lower anyway. bloody rigid woman, even azahar saw my point. nevermind, whether i manage to argue my way a few more marks, is all up to the One up there. i'll let Him decide anyway. (: managed to get one more mark for physics pt, still failed i think. but at least one mark holds quite a bit of percentage. quite pleased with physics and bio. never thought the bio paper was hard till they went through it. damn, it was one tricky paper. at least my hardcore mugging for that subject paid off, well, a bit. i just can't quite remember what i got for spa. hmm. oh well. thank God for whatever i got. at least it reflected my effort. the ones that i didn't pay much attention to, i.e lit, i didn't do that well for. but ss. ah i can never do ss, so what the hell.

have i mentioned chinese tomorrow. oh damn it.

studying at the club today was fun. josh was there with three of his friends. haha i'm dead hooked to his snooker game on his phone. he's such a joke to have around. (: really makes you laugh like mad. his friends were quite funny too. but not that kate and i talked to them very much. kate and i went swimming! haven't basked in the sun for awhile. felt good. relieved my lethargy that had been prevalent for the past few days. rather disturbing. i actually feel claustraphobic having to sit in class cause i can't move around. something tells me it's the stress. why do i envy the non-chinese students now.

then we studied for awhile more till josh's dad came along. haha i've always been highly intimidated by uncle dennis. but today proved me wrong. i know i owe him 60 bucks, that's why i'm more intimidated than i should be, haha. but yeah. he's so funny! omg now i know where josh gets his humour from. sort of had dinner with them. josh uncle dennis and timothy. kate and i had quite a laugh i believe. (: haha ling arh! i think he'll be someone you'd like! ((: and he's not from RI! haha. josh already makes me laugh like mad in church. it's nice to have funny friends. relieves your anger when your mum scolds you for no reason. then kate's dad gave me a lift home. yay. didn't have to ride in that woman's car.

baby hasn't written me my fourth month testimonialll! *stomps around* four days late. humph.

whee i need lots of love! chinese is gonna leave me dumbfounded tomorrow, i believe. in the negative light of course. blah.

please,
let me hear your voice again
let me hear you say our love will never end
that whatever it takes you'll be there

you get me high`
7:23 AM

Sunday, October 2

[you hope she knows you've cried]

i have taken a sudden fetish for my violin. never in my >8 years of my violin playing have i actually gone home after violin, only to practise it again. perhaps it's the song i learnt today that was so challenging, it was almost intriguing. hmm strange.

okay i know i've heard lots of feedback that my entries are depressing. so i'm trying to lighten things up. these days have been tough. but i hope it's over. i want the happy times back. but something tells me i won't be able to... hopefully it's just my paranoia at it's best again.

i wonder why my friends nv seem to leave notes on my gbook. instead, they'll call me up or talk to me directly. then i wonder why i put a guestbook there for. hmm.

well on a sidenote, i've changed back to using my desktop! after using my notebook for abt a year and a half? my laptop takes up space, esp with my deskbound on my table. i need space to study! it's crucial.

i've lost my zest for being online. chatting on msn no longer intrigues me. its probably the superficiality of it that's getting to me. and in fact. i'm starting to lose interest in things around me. conversations with my classmates, while i hear them rattle on about appearances, and of course apperances, blogs that just revolve around external beauty, people who only choose friends by the way they look etc. i mean everyone cares about their appearances, but dont discuss them, just keep it in you. and why blog about appearances? it's the most superficial thing to blog about ever! so what if this girl's pretty, and that guy's got abs. so what, you tell me. other than saving the eyes a bit of a sore, does it really matter? whatever happened to inner beauty. with all the emphasis of appearances, these guys and girls would learn arrogance due to the compliments they earn. and what about those who just are lacking in appearances? it's not that they choose to want to look like that. and what happens? inferiority complex kicks in. if you're good looking, but you just suck as a person, you're nothing better than a piece of shit, to put it crudely. so enough, i say enough of all this rubbish. these inconsequential subjects wouldn't bring you anywhere. they dont teach you the value of life, they lead you against appreciating things around you.

okay see thats how much angst i have.

i have so many things i wannna say to you. but i just can't express what i'm feeling. i hope they'll go away after awhile. for one of the first times, words have failed me. words don't seem to form in my attempt to express myself. i dont want you to think i'm demanding, but somehow my heart's not at ease. the constant poking at me, something that tells me i ought to worry. i ought to be on guard. i ought to be cautious. yet you tell me otherwise. and i dont know which one to follow. my heart doesn't smile anymore. there's just something missing. something amiss. something that makes me feel so empty inside. i hope it's just a recovery process, cause tears tend to cut. and since you promised to try to be the person you promised to be, i will just wait and see. but please dont force it, things like these come naturally. if you just dont feel it, our fates have been sealed. but dont give up on me, not till we've fought the very last battle.

every night i pray, on bended knees
that i will always be your everything...

and anyway.
happy fourth month baby.

today i had two truffles instead of one
i was in need of some sweetness in my life
just be true to me
this is all i ask

you get me high`
7:55 AM